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LEN'S GONNA MAKE YOU SWEAT Val and Elizabeth struggle to decipher the head judge's comment that they were "so close" -- yet "absolutely fantastic!"
Snooki and Sasha Farber: 20/30 Well, this was disappointing. From far away I bet this looked like a very pretty rumba, but since we at home could see everything up close, it was clear Snooki was very precisely "presenting" this routine instead of dancing it. "I feel like I was doing the face?" she beamed when it was over. But honey. If you need to phrase it like a question???
Valerie Harper and Tristan MacManus: 19/30 This was a really brave paso doble from a 74-year-old, but the real meat of the segment was the shot of Tristan, slumped up against a brick wall and softly sobbing while watching his partner go over her mistakes. I don't really mean this in a morbid way at all, but Valerie Harper is ready to die out on that dance floor. Tristan warned her against going full-out with an injured knee, and she just wouldn't hear of it. "I'm 74 with terminal cancer," she reminded him. "Give me the horse thing, that makes me run," she begged, pointing to her knee. "I don't care!" I love it.
"Did you say martian?" "March-in." LOL.
Keyshawn Johnson and Sharna Burgess: 18/30 For a few moments their samba was deceptively very good, but that's Sharna's fault. She really is a wizard with choreography. Everyone on her was working, while Keyshawn was basically not. He did a lot of standing around and jutting his arms out for her to clasp. It's fine! He's gone. It's weird to even be posting about a routine of his, as he no longer exists.
Hidden Gem: Mike Ditka's choice in footwear. He's just beggin' to be a DWTS contestant, huh? (Dancing With Those Shoes.)
Bill Nye and Tyne Stecklein: 17/30 Bill Nye the Paso Doble Beethoven?! This week, Team Hot Knowledge -- endorsed by MENSA -- served up a stirring symphony of loose wig powder and general grabbiness. The Science Guy continues to be hilarious as a contestant -- could anyone else so convincingly rise from a piano as if conjured up by the power of orchestral strings (yes, absolutely) -- but his dance style is so aggressively gangly that it often hurts to watch. Is Bill Nye going to win Dancing With the Stars, friends? Imagine the delicious internet outrage!
Bruno called Bill "a ferocious and fearsome maestro" who served up an exhilarating mix of genius and insanity. "You nearly blew a gasket!" he correctly assessed. "There was actually some paso doble there," he continued. A rave review!
Then Len, apparently dwarfed by the power of the internet, apologized for under-marking Nye last week. "Judging is not an exact science," he began. "However, there is a formula to dancing. You've got to have technique, and some of those parts were missing. But I like the commitment, the fun, and the fact that you're on this show."