Dancing With the Stars season premiere recap: A Little Party Never Killed Nobody

The season 17 premiere sees a Sexy Bus Stop, tears for Valerie Harper, and one pissed-off Science Guy
Ep. 01 | Aired Sep 16, 2013

ALL WE GOT This cast gon' dance 'til they drop, drop.

ABC

Bill Engvall & Emma Slater: 18/30 On the opposite end of the attitude spectrum, here's comedian Bill Engvall having a blast. "I would love to be the rednecks' dancing king. That would be awesome," he told Emma, whom we may or may not recognize from her work on the Troupe (decoys! all of them!) for three years. I was surprisingly drawn in to their foxtrot -- it had a sweeping, big band feel much like Kym Johnson used to choreograph, and I like how Bill so dramatically leans into his moves. He's not polished, but he's got a decent sense of rhythm and a major O face to accompany the final moments of his routines -- and really, what more can you ask for on Week 1?

Keyshawn Johnson & Sharna Burgess: 17/30 I guess the judges weren't into this cha cha -- "It was like having the Empire State Building trying to be a Rockette," said Bruno (what?!) -- but I thought Keyshawn showed at least some promising hip action. Just the willingness to have active hips is a triumph, really, on week 1. I know 9s are flying around way above this guy's head, but let's be realistic. He's a popular football player with a sense of humor. I don't believe for a second he won't be in the finals.

Now that Sharna's worn those liquid gold pants, I will never be able to look at her again without thinking "truffle ass." And that's more than okay with me.

Bill Nye & Tyne Stecklein: 14/30 Aggggggh. Bill Nye! I really think he might have shot himself in the foot with all the press he did about his years of experience as a social (swing) dancer -- and the somewhat aggressive approach he seems to take in what should be his partner's choreography. Their cha cha, set to a recording of "Weird Science" (sorry, band!) was so awkward. I wanted to find him endearing, but I couldn't help gritting my teeth! The editing in their rehearsal package didn't help, either: I don't think anyone wanted to hear the Science Guy plead for "sexual tension" in their partnership. What a beaker-killer.

His scores did seem atrociously low, considering the grade inflation awarded to the rest of the class. Is Bill Nye being dinged because he's the professor? Why is Brooke interviewing random, meticulously hair-and-makeupped fans now? WHERE IS BROOKE?

Discuss!

XOXO,
Fringe Fairy

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