Dancing With the Stars season finale recap: No Pain, No Confetti Rain

Amber, Corbin, and Jack dance one last time and Snooki compliments Brooke's boobs in the liiiiiiive season 17 finale
Ep. 12 | Aired Nov 26, 2013


Jack and Cheryl meet the same upside-down-devil fate in their paso/salsa fusion -- Jack had never done salsa before, and Carrie Ann calls that part of his dance flat-footed. What?! I thought it was amazing given the time constraints. Len gives Jack the second-runner-up speech: "Of all our celebrities, you have given me the most pleasure to watch. No dance background. You climbed a mountain. You were terrific, well done."

Amber and Derek may have just invented a whole new style of dance called the qui-samba, says Carrie Ann after their dizzying samba/quickstep fusion. I don't think Amber has ever looked so pain-free or joyful -- she was probably fantasizing about all the ice packs and bed rest she'd get to enjoy once she hobbles away from Planet Mirrorballus forever, moments later. Their fierce final pose cinched their win for me. We didn't even need to hear scores, but duh: 10-10-10. This time Amber lifts Derek up. He did it!

Colbie Caillat returns for a post-commercial break bumper, but it's a SABOTAGE as the Sparkalien overlords in the control room try to shackle her inside the judges' leaderboard!

Screen Shot 2013-11-26 at 11.19.19 PM

(Just for a split second.)

Jack, Corbin, and Amber turn on the audience's waterworks again with emotional outpourings of how much they love Their Pros, then Jack's the first to go out of the final three. He's made Cheryl cry three times now, so he's practically won. He won the "best partner ever" mirrorball, at least. The real trophy.

And Amber wins the big one! She gets her message out to Tom before the Mark Ballas lift brigade can grab hold of her: "I wanna let women of all sizes out there know you can do whatever you put your mind to. Doesn't matter what size, what color you are -- you can do whatever, whatever, whatever you put you mind to."*

*Except advance in the American Idol auditions if you can't hack it. But who cares?

Pleased with the season 17 outcome? Which mini-dance did you like the best tonight? Discuss!

And a very Happy Thanksgiving to you all! Thank you as always for coming back to read my crazy perspective on this even crazier show (its utter lunacy has to be the only reason I get away with it). Enjoy tons of turkey or tofurkey or organic kale chips shaped like turkeys or whatever the heck it is you like to gobble up mercilessly. Just BEWARE THE SPARKLEBARF, okay? You gotta save that goodness up for season 18!

Fringe Fairy

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