Well, it's all over! Amber Riley and her big ol' knee pad have won Dancing With the Stars season 17 along with their professional partner, now five-time winner Derek Hough.
***FIREWORKS!*** [AWKWARD LIFT]
Cheers to the winners!
The good news is, Amber has a hardened knob of glitter now. The bad news is, Len Goodman called her his "little sausage." Len can't help it, guys. He's British! He just loves sausages, okay? We're all lucky he didn't call her a banger instead, though technically that would have made more sense, as she is bangin'.
I'll let you all debate whether Amber's the "right" winner in the comments. To me it never matters who wins, and Amber's well-deserved victory is no surprise. She performed the hell out of her last two weeks' worth of numbers, and Derek is super popular. So of course they won.
Instead, who wants to re-live the liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive finale with me? I'm pretty exhausted! It's gonna get weird.
We open on some more red carpet hullabaloo just like in the season premiere, and it strikes me again how Fergie's "A Little Party Never Killed Nobody (All We Got)" is seriously the perfect motto for Dancing With the Stars. Everyone gets involved, and this time Tony turns the tables on three irrepressible dancin' fools.
Sorry, judges. The truth hurts: Tony's right.
Meanwhile, major hot tongue action indoors from Tristan and Sharna:
If I finally get my act together and send out a holiday card this year, you're looking at it. "Love, Annie." No explanation. None needed.
Actually, I could do three different cards -- it'd be like when Entertainment Weekly puts out bonus collectors' covers of the print issue. Just like that. Here are the others, from the always-welcome "Adventures in DWTS Subtitles" segment I very much miss from the results shows this season:
Just another Happy Holiday from Planet Mirrorballus!
(Derek's "Perfect, baby" subtitle to Amber after a dance did not qualify. Not edgy enough.)
NEXT: Stranger danger