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MOST DECORATED Olympics darling Aly or tattooed Mark?
D.L. Hughley and Cheryl Burke: 21/30 This was The Revenge of D.L., according to a specially made comic book and the comedian's hip-shaking/kiss-my-ass solo sequence up at the judges' table. When Tom introduced him as "Peabody Award-winning," I accidentally heard "Puberty Award-winning," and that turned out to be appropriate for tonight's foxtrot -- an homage to D.L.'s junior high years, when he stopped behind a nerd with glasses and started developing enough game so that one day he could be….a cool person who wears nerd glasses voluntarily! We all gotta grow up sometime.
Oddly enough, this ballroom standard looked like the most fun D.L. has had yet. I liked when Cheryl "activated his crotch region" -- a stirring part of the traditional foxtrot I must have forgotten -- and Cheryl's tremendous three whip-backs (not a term!) near the end. D.L. still didn't react with ease or understanding to any of the judges' comments, even the nice ones. But he made up for that awkwardness with a genuinely funny display of ridiculata in the Celebriquarium -- falling over in faux shock after receiving three 7s (including a Len "seh-vehhhhhhhhhhn!") and joking to Brooke, "That's higher than my SAT scores."
Sean Lowe and Peta Murgatroyd: 20/30 Oh, my! I totally forgot about Sean. They went first, so booooooo, but he really doesn't seem to be a contender in this thing at all. What a shame if his Bachelor popularity takes him further into the season than his dancing ability would suggest. Of course Sean dedicated his Viennese waltz to fiancée/winner Catherine. "I never wanted to say goodbye to her," Sean said. "With the other women, that wasn't an issue." Can anyone still feel Ashlee's steely/dead gaze of incredulity boring into Sean's skull as he said that? Chilling!
Anyway, their Viennese waltz -- enhanced by fog…looked pretty murky! -- contained two major lifts, much to Carrie Ann's delight. She got so excited about her decision to resume giving out Lift Police citations that her mic started farting louder than Jacoby on a Tuesday night. Sean's sections of fluidity, guided by a lovely sky-blue-gowned Peta, were okay, but his shuffle-solo over to Nose Stud was the worst.
"The talent is there!" insists Bruno. Where? I missed it tonight -- possibly because Sean was wearing a shirt AND a vest. The talent has been buried!
NEXT: Lisa Vanderpump has fainted. Field trip!