Dancing With the Stars recap: Bristoling With Misdirected Rage

EW's on the scene for Week 3: Iconic Dances, Maks Jagger, and a Palin meltdown
Ep. 05 | Aired Oct 8, 2012

IN THE FUTURE THE ICE QUEEN WILL SPARKLE Oh wait, that's happening now. And I'm over it.

ABC

It wasn't Halloween, sillies -- it just looked like that, explained Tom on this night of Iconic Dances on Planet Mirrorballus. In addition to ridiculous costumes, nudity was key this week too. Karina: sort of naked. Peta: even more naked. Val: literally naked. And who is that? MAKS?

Oh hey, sorry, my ride's here. I gotta go.

Yeah right! Like I'd ever leave. We had some eye-popping routines in store for us, promised BBC as her boobs threatened to pop out of her dress. Good thing no one thought to "charge her" by inserting an electronic device into the Apple-esque docking station on her belt, or it might have happened. (Was that gross? Not on this show, I say!)

Will the judges please reveal their scores (and their private parts to DANCMSTR Len Goodman)? Carrie Ann Inahhhhhh-ber!

Kelly Monaco and Valentin Chmerkovskiy: 27/30 Kelly -- practically a different contestant this week because General Hospital was on hiatus and she could actually practice -- issued an ultimatum to Val: "Do it better than your brother." They took on Laila Ali and Maks' paso doble from season 3 and it was so incredibly fierce. I was surprised Kelly didn't get booed when she immediately dressed her matador in a shiny gold bolero. How exciting was it to see her dance like this and up the ante not only for herself but for the competition?! Sorry, I'm a little overexcited. Those little fringe-y tassels on Val's epaulets were dancing their butts off, too, especially as he bounded up the stairs.

I loved the whoosh of red silk over Naked Val to start things off. The crew warned all of us sitting in "the zone" that we might get covered in the fabric but that it would be okay. Okay?! I would have preferred it! Alas, the two giant man guiding the silk upstairs as if their lives depended on it did much too good a job for us to get massaged by a miracle.

"Kelly, where have you been?" cried Len. "Suddenly this has turned up fabulous."

Melissa Rycroft and Tony Dovolani: 27/30 I was lucky enough to be included in the one-section-only Mardi Gras festival -- we all got rainbow-feathered glowsticks and about every fourth person was kindly forced to wear a light-up mask. You can see me partying like a deranged Big Bird in the hazy background of the opening to their samba, but don't play it back or anything. It's embarrassing. And by that I mean it's awesome.

The most significant element of Melissa and Tony's update to J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff's samba from season 13 was Melissa's rainbow-bedazzled tramp stamp (you commenters' words, not mine) (but also mine!) that had been applied to cover up her original tattoo! Here it was in all its glory from my vantage point pre-dance.

Tropical bird? Heart floating away via its own wings? Whatever!

Clearly impressed with Melissa and Tony's her-neck-hooked-around-his-legs walk of triumph(ant awkwardness), Len compared Melissa's samba to "a can of cola: fizzy, refreshing, satisfying…it's a knockout!" You have no idea how refreshing it was to not have that be an awkward product placement for Pepsi, like on The X Factor. (Because you don't watch The X Factor. Seriously, don't.)

NEXT: The salt and pepper shakers in ballroom heaven look like Derek and Shawn

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