It wasn't the spiciest Latin Night we've ever seen, but this is the 14th season, and who wants Screaming Sphincter Habanero Salsa all the time anyway? Sometimes a chunky medium is just the ticket. Does it have pineapple in it? The fruitier the better. And considering this week's Dancing With the Stars performance night featured Carlos Santana luring us back in from commercials and an exhibition by our old friends Louis Van Intensité and Anna Tre-BUN-skaya, it was quite a show.
Brooke finally exhaled after the cameras rolled away…and her boobs popped out.
Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inahhhh-ber!
Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas: 29 out of possible 30 The three Argentine tangos were the three highest-scoring dances of the night! Katherine and Mark's was probably the least passionate, but it was technically gorgeous. It had more of a Broadway feel to it, actually, than a spicy Latin feel -- the instrumental music seemed to breathe with their rise and fall (I can't believe I just typed that either) and their costumes were rather toned down for Dancing With the Stars. The only sparkles I counted were on Katherine's pink and white bodice. Her light pink gathered skirt gave off sort of a "Disney princess businesswoman" vibe, and Mark looked like a Newsie.
I enjoyed this costume-ary twist on things, though. I'm not sure I would have bought a sexually heated tango from Mark anyway. Katherine had the right idea when she repeatedly agitated his "naughty bits" with her dangerous flicks during rehearsal. Their lifts -- and symmetrical footwork throughout the dance -- were incredible.
William Levy and Cheryl Burke: 29/30 The piping hot empanada had torn a ligament in his ankle (can you picture the meat stretching out as it oozes in pain and grease?), but William somehow stayed strong on performance night. I never thought I'd say this, but "Loosen Up My Buttons" by the Pussycat Dolls is the perfect accompaniment for a sexy Argentine tango on Dancing With the Stars. And also this: Cheryl was rocking the color beige with a long-sleeved gem-encrusted gown with near-floor-length fringe.
Every detail about this dance -- the peek through the red beads, the waiter's rag used as a prop (and then wisely/forcefully discarded as a potential roadblock for their PASSION), and especially William's undone shirt and tie -- contributed to an "after-hours lounge" vibe that kept us constantly teased. Who knows what might have happened next at the table with the crap glued to it? "Pulsating passion! Throbbing intensity!" cried Bruno. Did he then call William "Clooney-icious"? And did Brooke then call William "Willeem?" All of the answers may lie in Carrie Ann's Pocahontas braid, which she would not stop stroking during this segment.
NEXT: Maria Menounos is hurt again. Could it be lupus?