We're down to three! Katherine Jenkins, Donald Driver, and William Levy performed a "judges' choice" routine as well as Tom Bergeron's favorite -- the freestyle! -- in tonight's finals. This is something I cannot say every season: I'd be thrilled if any of these three sparkaliens won season 14. William is a sweet, down-to-earth guy and the definition of sex, Katherine is a sheer delight whether she's speaking, singing (!) or dancing, and Donald just slayed the freestyle and introduced sparkly Cheesehead hats to the ballroom. Is there any more perfect encapsulation of Dancing With the Stars than a gem-studded plush wedge of cheese? (Plus it's a hat -- truly the key accessory of the season. Long live Gavin DeGraw and Mini Driver! Never forget.)
Let's get on with the bloody-mouthed show -- we don't have time to put band-aids on things!
Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inahhhhh-ber!
Oh my. I just needed the scores, really. But sure, you could do that instead. It's the FINALS!
Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas: 30 paso doble + 30 freestyle = 60 out of possible 60 I thought these two looked like identical boy soldiers marching down the steps at the beginning of the show, but ended up glad that Katherine's black gown with a dramatic red underbelly was so thick and complicated. "There's gotta be big, strong shapes," their personal coach for the week, Len Goodman, reminded them. The DANCMSTR proceeded to marvel at the strength in Mark's calves and his "firm buttocks" seemingly out of nowhere. Considering Len was likely with them much longer than the 20 seconds or so that we were shown, this was a rawther hilarious edit. It more than made up for the lack of the DANCMSTR license plate, which at this point could just be a figment of my imagination.
Len's season 14 transformation into Bruno Tonioli continued post-paso. "It was like a buffet of Spanish tapas, full of tasty tidbits to tickle your tastebuds!" he cried. Wait, are there calves and buttocks in tapas? But of course! Tapas are anything you want them to be.
One of my favorite parts about the FINALS is that the couples must twirl right by the coveted mirrorball trophy every so often so it can brutally taunt them. My favorite part of Katherine and Mark's paso was just after their brush with MBT glory: Katherine's series of whirling skirt swooshes high above Mark the knee-walker. Of course, then Katherine (the cape) had to crouch very still on the floor as the big trumpet solo announced greatness (Mark's solo tricks).
Is Mark "a man who can wear a hat," as Tom suggested? The jury's still out on that one.
Katherine's freestyle -- a combo platter of quickstep, jive, Lindy hop, and tap -- would have been so much more dazzling if she hadn't been wearing clunky white nurse shoes. I'm sorry to be so superficial but that's just how it is. Deal with it! I'm the worst! No, really though, aside from the shoes I didn't think this was a perfect dance -- it was just too fast for her in some parts and they slipped up a few times on the many impressive lifts. I did love the staging, with Katherine headlining her own show as "The Welsh Wiggler" -- and singing in the beginning. She was so "on" at the start and gradually lost momentum as she struggled to keep up. Did the dance have to be so challenging? The guys would have been much more lost here than Katherine.
NEXT: Is Peta the new Edyta? A study in near-total nudity