So it's no mirrorball trophy for season 13, week 2 eliminated Dancing With the Stars contestant Elisabetta Canalis. It's only fair. She already got to date George Clooney; did you really think we'd let her achieve America's second-greatest honor, too?
At least Elisabetta's partner Val Chmerkovskiy and Val's abs got to take center stage in that VERY rewind-able opening number featuring all nine of Our Pros and Our Decoys (the Troupe members). And he got to deliver a worldly supermodel a cocktail near an inflatable pool while wearing only a bowtie and boxer briefs. I really don't know what more young Val could have asked for, except maybe an English-speaking partner who could keep a beat. But I mean how often does that happen?!
Now I'm really about to start talkin' crazy: This week Tom and Brooke announced a REAL BOTTOM TWO instead of just naming the couples who were "in jeopardy." David Arquette and Kym Johnson officially need your votes. We must save them so David can go on more bare-chested-with-suspenders rants and Kym can continue being Kym, glorious Kym!
Meanwhile, this week's encore went to Ricki and Derek so that Derek could pretend he might remove his entire jacket just a teensy bit longer. Ricki was much more confident this time as he straddled her head in a magnificent leap. That's always a good sign in a partnership.
Of course, my favorite results-show segment was "DWTS Cribs," which threw an always-welcome spotlight on the rehearsal studio complex a.k.a. The House of Flying Swaggers and Disco Ball Dreams. Derek and Ricki Lake -- representin' the hood via designer shades and the use of "Yo, yo" -- helped us relive some lovely memories, like Tony's triumphant yet fleeting walkout on Kate Gosselin and that time Hines Ward dropped Kym on her head. You can still feel the dent. No need to fix that.
I swear, every time Kristin Cavallari comes on-screen, I have no idea who she is.
NEXT: Demi Lovato can't stop stair-ing