On the first week of season 13's competition, Dancing With the Stars bid farewell to the biggest mouthful our fair Planet Mirrorballus has ever seen: Ron Artest a.k.a. Metta World Peace and his partner Peta Murgatroyd. Heavens, no! He'll just have to go play ass-grab (which he admitted was his favorite part of the cha cha cha) with someone else starting tomorrow. Or tonight!
I'm disappointed I won't be further pondering what kind of all-encompassing never-before-seen sandwich something called a "meta pita" would entail, but at least this crazy dude was gracious in his goodbye and got the chance to plop his sparkle-brimmed hat on old-timey comedy star Tom Bergeron during the first hour. Also, I lied -- I'm never going to stop thinking about that sandwich.
Can I get a standing ovation right now for Tom for pulling off these monstrously "liiiiiiiiiive" two-hour results shows? He has to be such a chatterbox and cover so much turf. Luckily he's started perching himself on Level 3 or so of the new sky-high white lacquer staircase, so he can better survey his empire, listen closely for the opportunity to make wise-guy Titatnic quips, and consider some of the world's biggest questions, such as "How do you solve a problem like Rob Kardashian?"
(I hope you didn't take my suggestion seriously and get up out of your computer chair. That'd be insane.)
Rob and his dirty talkin' partner Cheryl Burke joined Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus "in jeopardy" this week. As far as I can tell, this still means nothing and is not the same as "in the bottom three." Let's move on to....
THE TOP 7 ("SEH-VEHHHHHN!") MOMENTS OF THE RESULTS SHOW
7. "I forgot the contra-check!" --the increasingly lovable David Arquette via WDWTS (Ballroom Floor Radio. Tune into channel 666 on your AM dial!)
6. "I'm afraid of Cheryl Burke." --Chaz Bono
5. "Maybe we could be roommates! Where does he live?" --Carson Kressley, who's taken over as this season's Maks-obsessive in chief. ("Call me!")
NEXT: Time to mock the dreaded DWTS Troupe. (It's tradition!)