'Dancing With the Stars' recap: Semifinal Show-stoppers

During the week 9 semifinals of Dancing With the Stars, each of the four remaining contestants -- Brandy, Jennifer Grey, Kyle Massey, and Bristol Palin -- danced twice. That's it! No theme this week, except for that of OVERCOMING ADVERSITY. In some of the most dramatic sob-story character packages we've seen to date, Sarah Palin remembered the trials of being photographed with her baby-bumpin' daughter after being "tapped" to run for Vice President, and Brandy waged an epic battle against Jennifer Grey for the coveted mirrorball title of "most tragic involvement in a fatal car crash." (Nobody won!) I wonder if Kyle Massey's viewer votes will take a hit because his life hasn't been sad enough. Come on, producers. A measly life-changing phone call and stock footage of the airport? Are you sure Disney Boy never got anyone pregnant?

Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann In-ahhh-ber!

Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough: 30/30 + 30/30 = 60/60 Their opening cha cha cha began with an impressive amount of judges' table flirting that surely our panel would have characterized as unnecessary "messin' about" on one of their crankier nights. Silly Annie. It's different when it's a lap dance! (New slogan for the series???) The dance, set to "Mercy" by Duffy, seemed kind of slow, but I often think that about cha cha chas. A leisurely tempo can make other contestants seem awkward (for example: any tall athlete), but it just allowed Jennifer -- a tiny force of "uh-mazing" sexiness, high heels, and feathered fringe (!) -- the luxury of finishing and perfecting every move. Worth a 30? I don't know! I kept focusing on Jennifer's husband, Clark Gregg, freaking out in the audience. He gets a 10 in worrying from me. Ooh, lucky him. "Tehhhhhhhhn!"

The bizarre lack of spotlights made Jennifer and Derek's waltz stand out from any other dance. I'm sure there were plenty of light sources I didn't notice, but I liked how at the beginning and end there was just that one diamond-shaped light bathing the floor in sepia tones, throwing a giant middle finger to the barely visible giant chandelier. (Great shot!) The whole dance seemed very classic, like the "Antique Photo" setting under the "Effects" menu in my iPhoto for OS X. "This was a gem of a waltz," announced Bruno, clearly in reference/deference to EW.com's Hidden Gems of the Week. My favorite part was when Jen sort of floated behind Derek (my original notes said "rode on his back," but that's just wrong) for a weird non-lift. "Be still my beating heart," said Len, who was lucky to be aliiiiiiiiive! "Sometimes a whisper can seem louder than a yell. If I'm dreamin', don't wake me up, because that was fabulous." And Enthusiastic Activia Lady wept.

Kyle Massey and Lacey Schwimmer: 29/30 + 29/30 = 58/60 "Hey," Kyle acknowledged Carrie Ann, Len, and Bruno while getting all up in their judges'-table business after a solo complete with magnificent hip thrusts atop the platform. Kyle was so quick and lively that his pleather tie had to be painted onto his marigold shirt! Lacey, for her part, wore Version A of her signature Crotchless Tulle Petal uniform. I noticed that Kyle's really begun to finish his Latin-round hand flicks with emphatic flair. He really cares! That's how you know! He's lovely. Appropriately, their song for this round was "She's Got Me Dancing" by Tommy Sparks. (I don't usually stoop this low, yeah right, but LOL at the Kyle-specific ad at the top of this lyrics page I stumbled upon during my snack fantasizing/fact-checking. Ugh, never mind, a few hours ago it was a cheeseburger; now it's for AOL Music. Maybe by the time the sun comes up and my talented editor doesn't cut this parenthetical, it'll be a cheeseburger again.)

NEXT: Did Brandy's paso doble really score the same as Bristol's paso doble?

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