Teen Activist Bristol Palin and Mark Ballas: 22/30 Bristol seems shy, which actually makes sense for someone not naturally prone to attention-mongering who'd been sacked with the nickname Bristol the Pistol her whole life. Their quickstep was competent but a little restrained, and it didn't help that Bristol's pink tiered gown made her look like Miss Piggy (gloves -- Mark's favorite fetish -- completed the look). Bristol and Mark had a lot of rehearsal time to make up for, due to a completely unnecessary trip home to Alaska to exchange awkward pleasantries with Bristol's famous mom. Remember, Mama said you can't hurry love. You just have to wait until you're back in Los Angeles...where her eventual presence will dictate a spotlight interview. Enough already with the mother/chastity-themed songs!
Kyle Massey and Lacey Schwimmer: 22/30 From now on I'll think of Kyle as the Fast Food Guy. It's funny, he doesn't seem heavy to me at all because the kid is unbelievably light on his feet. How does he do it? Ugh, I keep forgetting he's that mysterious strain of human known as a "teenager." Anyway, before their quickstep, Kyle promised Lacey he'd stop eating burgers, not counting the two living in his stomach. Kyle on DWTS is like the exact antithesis to anyone on The Biggest Loser -- cool guy, effortless dancer, not a care in the world, and his reward will be pizza. Props to Lacey for quickstepping in a fluffy tulle cloud much grander and more earnest in scope and concept than Erin Andrews' memorable feather duster costume in season 10. Remember that gem?
Brandy and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: 21/30 Jives don't usually open with a look of danger and a tinge of dread, but Brandy looked so pissed off at "a--holish" Maks at the beginning of theirs that it seemed like she was about to dance the hell out of that thing just to spite him. Whatever works! Except this didn't, really. Brandy pulled off the steps, but she looked crazy and angry the whole time. Then to add insult to injury, after Carrie Ann questioned her choice of footwear and ability to point her toes (foot fetish much tonight, CA?) Brandy squeaked out a near-unforgivable "I sowwy." I can't. I can't with this! No baby talk in the ballroom! Also, "blaming" her solo routine as Maks' idea was unnecessary. We all know the pro's in charge of choreography. Maks looks like he could blow a fuse at any moment. Come to think of it, the "vibrating butt" move he consistently employs this season could represent the ticking time bomb of his patience with Brandy.
NEXT: One lucky star gets the DNCMSTR "Seh-vehhhn!"