'Dancing With the Stars' recap: Surprise Parting

On week 7 of season 11, we sat through a staggering 90-minute results show peppered with election coverage, DWTS Awards, and Taylor Swift's fairy dust. It all led up to another surprising elimination: NBA star Rick Fox. How could this have happened?! As Margaret Cho so beautifully said, "That man looks like he's made of some delicious toffee!"

A nation gasped. Carrie Ann Inahhhhh-ber looked stunned. I waddled tearfully into to my kitchen to stress-snack, blacked out, and am now coming to you liiiiiiiiive, post-trauma. 'Tis a sad, sad day for America.

Kyle Massey and Bristol Palin were also announced as "in jeopardy." At least Kyle's having fun! Bristol spent her Monday night confessional crying and missing Alaska. "I'm tired, I wanna go home, I wanna see my son," she cried. "I know we got like the highest scores ever, but I'm, like, so exhausted." For the love of, like, Lord Mirrorballus, let her go, then! No one should be there who isn't feelin' it. I don't need these people's skin to shimmer from the inside out (though that is obviously the end goal), but I do think their participation should at least seem voluntary!

Tom and Brooke handed out some special 200th-episode DWTS Awards in Barbie boxes! Some of them were a stretch -- Louis Van Intensité for Biggest Dancer Transformation? -- but I obviously loved the idea and cracked up as soon as the disembodied British voice announced the ridiculous categories so properly and energetically. "Most Dramatic Moment. The nominees are: Cristian's Arm Injury!" Ha, nice try, you tasty Chilean sea bass of a man, but Marie Osmond's Collapse easily had you beat. Marie graciously video-conferenced in from another planet (seemingly on par with Mirrorballus in terms of bizarreness, but probably from in a neighboring galaxy) to accept her award.

The judges each got their own highlight reel under the guise of the ongoing awards show, but no awards were given out. Len's Darker Hair circa 2005-2006 deserved at least an honorable mention. Kenny Mayne won the prestigious title of Best, Worst Dancer and informed us all that he's actually 30 or 40 years ahead of his time and we just didn't get what he was going for during his season 2 tenure. It will all make sense in 30 or 40 more years..."IF WE LIVE SO LONG," pointed out Doomsday Tom. As if the never-ending cycle of mid-show commercials for prescription medication, Life Alert, and age-defying serums wasn't enough. Thanks, Tom!

The cast of Mary Poppins -- now playing on Broadway and on a North American tour -- crashed the ballroom's sooty (due to guyliner) rooftop to perform "Step in Time." I loved this! I'm sure it helped that I've seen the movie about a billion times. I can't believe no one has ever attempted the chimney-sweep theme on DWTS. I can see Derek or Tony all over the smudged-cheek and tiny-broom-as-parasol motif. Not to mention, Never need a reason/ Never need a rhyme is one of the main tenets of Dancing With the Stars already.

NEXT: Nice work, but nothing compares to the Edyta-Kym "Hot Legs" routine.

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