Dancing With the Stars recap: Freestyle Credit Report

Season 17 finals: Jack, Amber, Bill, and Corbin dance for your votes; one couple's eliminated before Tuesday's jewel-studded finale
Ep. 11 | Aired Nov 25, 2013

WINK 180 Jack and Cheryl redeemed themselves in a crowded, classy freestyle after their sloppy first-round jive.

ABC

Jack Osbourne and Cheryl Burke: 24/30 jive + 3 samba relay + 30/30 freestyle = 57 total Jack's obsession with the COVETED MIRRORBALL TROPHY continues to amuse me to no end -- this week he "put it in the crosshairs" and declared, to a stationary poster on the rehearsal studio's wall, "I'm coming for you." He really gets it. That trophy is the most valuable, useless, hardened knob of glitter in this universe. Or that one. Whichever glittery pane of consciousness you're on, unfocus your eyes a bit -- really Magic Eye that sh*t -- and you'll see a sparkling mirrorball somewhere in the distance. Head towards it, for it is the beacon of hope, and sequins, in a drab and colorless world.

Oh, hey! I've snapped out of it. I guess I was stalling with that nonsense above because I can't bear the truth: Jack choked in his judges' choice round, the jive. Nerves got the best of him early on and he couldn't recover in time. WHY the hell they would give the guy suffering from MS the most strenuous dance on the last week of the competition is beyond me. We've all heard the judges complain about Jack's lack of hip action, too, so a slower Latin dance would have made sense here, too. But you know what? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger! Or as Jack would say later: "Pain is temporary. Glory is forever."

"This week has been a totally different ball game," said Jack. Yes! Again with the mirrorball name-dropping, Jack! He continued: "Man, they're making us work for that mirrorball." Wow. I wonder if that mini mirrorball, the "best partner ever" trophy Cheryl gave Jack for his birthday, has been beaming subliminal messages into Jack's brain from under his pillow -- because you know that's where he keeps it.

Jack and Cheryl used Our Pros as living props in their freestyle, too, so it's official: Over-population will surely pay off in the end. This time, Gleb (!), Sasha, Henry, Tristan (!!!), Sharna (!!), and Peta performed a dizzying sequence of "cane choreography" that remained up on the platform and never overwhelmed the featured players. I thought their participation was perfect and, as Len and Carrie Ann agreed, Jack and Cheryl's freestyle was a total showstopper. Cheryl wanted to basically summarize Jack's whole season in one dance -- a lovely theory which Jack claimed, in practice, was "almost like doing brain surgery while looking the other way." But what's that yonder, in the distance of the far-fetched "other way"? Is it….a mirrorball?

I wasn't familiar with "Top Hat, White Tie, and Tails," but thanks to YouTube, now I am. Check out this amazing Fred Astaire tap routine from 1935's Top Hat.

But back to "reality"….

I couldn't get enough of both Cheryl's and Jack's facial expressions as Corbin and Karina sacked them with a paso/samba fusion for Tuesday night:

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Corbin couldn't help it; he just really wanted to see Jack's paso again because he loved it so much.

#SPARKLEBARF

NEXT: Bill's last huzzah!

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