To the surprise of no one (not even God, with whom all things are possible), ''model and entrepreneur'' Kathy Ireland and her partner Tony Dovolani were kindly asked to please close their hold for the last time on Tuesday's Dancing With the Stars. It worked: They hugged! I knew they could do it. I wonder how many people will try to figure out what the heck ''the Urban Dictionary'' is now that Kathy and Tom mentioned it. For the record, it is this and, shockingly, ''DANCMSTR has not been defined -- yet.'' Good to know for when I have a spare three hours and a burning desire to lend even more words to the topic, right?
Meanwhile, Tom and Sam announced Debi Mazar and Maks as the other of the ''bottom two'' couples. What?! They so rarely announce the real bottom two that this seems suspicious. But you can't argue with the English language (unless Bruno is speaking it), so yeah, Tom DeLay is officially more popular with the DWTS audience than Debi and Maksi. Louie Vito and Chelsie, by the way, were announced as ''in jeopardy'' along with Debi/Maks and Kathy/Tony, but that was just for show; they could be anywhere in the pack.
For this week's encore: Surprise! Baz picked Mya and Dmitry's jive. I thought for sure ABC would want to trot out the Muppets again. In fact, I think to level the playing field next week, one Muppet should descend the technicolor staircase with each couple except Aaron and Karina. The Swedish Chef for Mark, Big Bird for Joanna, a disapproving Sam the Eagle for Tom DeLay. Definitely Janice for Louie, as they seem to share a similar ''Far out!'' vibe. And so on.
Two random but noteworthy points from last night: First, Tom's improvised joke that ''Kym and Samantha kind of look like sexy Chia Pets, just a little'' didn't seem to go over as well on Planet Mirrorballus as it did on my sofa. Second, I'm so glad famous wrestler Mickey Rourke, who was in the audience to cheer on his fighter buddy Chuck Liddell, decided to don an open shirt and sparkly cap in an effort to seamlessly assimilate into the ballroom culture.
Time for starlets! Disney darling Selena Gomez bopped by to sing ''Falling Down,'' the first single from her album Kiss and Tell, while Karina (channeling Julianne's gold-leotarded freestyle) and Derek whirled around and around and did not fall down. Returning guest performer Joss Stone sang two songs — her own single ''Free Me'' and Dusty Springfield's ''Son of a Preacher Man,'' the latter of which featured Dmitry, Cheryl, Anna Tre-BUN, and Louis in a delicious four-way samba roll w/ extra cheese, hold the mayo. I nearly fainted at the sight of such an immaculate, fringe-stuffed hoagie supreme. Unfortunately, Mickey Rourke was not nearly as amused.
NEXT: And the band played on