'Dancing With the Stars' recap: You Should Be Dancing

Surprise, America! Joanna Krupa was not your favorite Star of season 9. It was certainly not a surprise for Joanna and Derek, as they must have been informed of their fate long before the liiiiiiiiive show if they were that prepared to perform their entire Viennese waltz again. I loved that, by the way — Joanna remained composed enough to pull off the routine in all its Disney-princess glory, and it looked kind of epic as the pair twirled and our majestic credits rolled. Sorry! I just don't remember this ever happening before. I'm sure anything straying from the typical stand-and-sway would seem epic to me. Samantha could lay out extra judges' paddles into simple multiplication tables and I'd be like ''Ooooh! Sparkly! Epic!'' Anyway, congrats to Hugh Hefner's fave for making it this far, but major ''Hallelujahs'' are in order for Kym, Louis, and Dmitry, the latter two of whom have never been in the finals. In fact, it's the first time in five seasons that there will be neither a Hough nor a Ballas in the finals. I just realized I'm rooting for the three of Our Pros as much as if not more than the three Stars!

I can't believe I wasted so much time on that informative opening paragraph when I should be (dancing) describing the world premiere of a new music video for Queen's ''Under Pressure'' that debuted exclusively on DWTS last night! Dear Lord Mirrorballus, what a slopfest! It reminded me of when Idol does those cheesy music videos/glorified Ford commercials that say ''American Idols'' at the beginning as if the kids are the real artists. Except this was way worse. You know I loved it. Mya, pleading with no one on a random rooftop? Donny, pleading with a mirror to let him out? ''Whyyyyyy?'' indeed. I did have a brief freakout, though, as I could not have anticipated the brutal ripping of a sequined costume and the hurling of an innocent disco ball against an unforgiving brick wall. My shrieks of ''Noooooooo!'' woke a baby who lives a few blocks away from me. I've since recovered, have a newfound respect for people who can lip-sync correctly, and I'm going to be just fine.

''It was a dark and porny night...'' as the dancin' cast of Nine showed up to perform a routine set to Bruno's favorite song, ''Be Italian.'' There was so much writhing and crotch-centric movement that I fully expected Derek to run out there and join in the general debauchery. I appreciated how the dark red backdrop was torn just like the dancers' costumes (but probably less Italian). Later on, Alicia Keys, the first of two guest singers who happen to look like Edyta, stopped by to sing ''Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart.'' This performance taught me that although I enjoy the concept of turquoise thigh-high suede boots in theory, I do not in practice. The shiniest part of her look was her hair; this is simply unacceptable ballroom attire. Then Edyta-face number two, vocal powerhouse Leona Lewis, performed ''Happy'' from an advantageous perch high above the smoke machines. I became obsessed with her feet, which barely moved, and realized that if her skirt was full-length, she could have easily fit her backup dancers under there and not have hurt them at all with her scary stilettos.

NEXT: Hidden Gem

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