Give boys wigs and funny things start to happen. Having the Hustle song in your head seven hours after hearing it loop at least 20 times = not funny, ABC! On week 5 of Dancing With the Stars: Hairstyles by Fellini, the 10 remaining couples danced either the paso doble or the Argentine tango and later dabbled in some minimal Group Hustle action. Not exactly the shame bonanza I'd been hoping for (except for the amazing rainbow graphics introducing the event), the Group Hustle was somewhat disappointing, even though it was technically, as Bruno said, ''sublime and ridiculous at the same time.'' Not such a high distinction, considering it applies to virtually everything else within the entire series. Before we get to the all-important judges' leader board, I'd like to alert you to this fairly hilarious Unfortunate DVR Pause of the Night, a Tom/Sam gem that presented itself in my apartment around 2:30 a.m. It pretty accurately sums up nine seasons' worth of DWTS' patented brand of lovable terror, don't you think? Moving on...
Donny Osmond and Kym Johnson: 29 out of possible 30 Two 10s for Mr. Four Nights a Week in Vegas! Only DANCMSTR held out. The Argentine tango suited the increasingly ''dangerous'' Donny Osmond, whom Bruno has newly labeled ''Donnie Darko.'' ''You took me there,'' cooed Marie's brother back at Bruno, while Tom gave his best ''Dear God, not this again'' headshake. Donny seems much less hammier than Marie used to, and I'm surprised to be enjoying his DWTS trajectory as of late. Part of this could be due to Kym's costumes — yet again, I thought they were the best-dressed couple of the night, and Kym's dress was probably one of my favorites ever. Ruffles, sequins, lace and fringe, and all black to boot. Well, all black except for that clear strip of packing tape on Kym's left hip that suggested the entire dress was being held together by merely a few sparkles and a prayer. Is there any better form of attachment? Check your email; the answer is no.
Mya and Dmitry Chaplin: 27/30 I liked Bruno's follow up to Carrie Ann's critique of Mya's Argentine Tango: ''Technique alone can sometimes become distant.'' I think that's the root of why, despite her obvious talent, I'm not completely on board with Mya this season. Maybe if she and Dmitry hammer two more nails into a foundation for Habitat for Humanity next week, I can be persuaded. Maybe Mya's just getting a really harsh edit, but I don't like the condescension involved in her partnership with Dmitry. From the ''Oh wow, great'' when he cheesily handed her a rose, to ''It's hard with the tricks, especially for Dmitry,'' I just don't think that attitude has a place on DWTS. It's a toss-up between Mya's 'tude and Dmitry's long Hustle wig for my Do Not Want award of the night.
Mark Dacascos and Lacey Schwimmer: 26/30 This paso doble, on the other hand, was my favorite dance. I was fully committed to Mark starting with the dramatic crotch outline of his initial pose. As Lacey had told us, thus somewhat defeating the purpose of what she was about to say, ''I'm taking a risk and giving Mark a solo. I really need him to stand out.'' The drama didn't end with Mark's crotch — suddenly, Lacey emerged from a cloud of smoke! I think maybe it did something weird to her hair. Mark, or ''Mephisto the Red Devil,'' as deemed by Bruno, held his serious expression even after the final note, and even got to throw a butterfly twist in there. Lacey's choreography was fantastic; I loved her ''fluttering to the floor'' move at the end. She's such a cape!
NEXT: Aaron's road to manhood