'Dancing With the Stars' recap: This Ain't No Jive

Susan Lucci and Tony: 21/30 Let's all take a pause to mark down in our DWTS season 7 scrapbooks that week 3 was the week Tony officially started calling Susan ''Baby'' all the time during practice. Ew? Or cute? You decide. Or I will: Ew. I liked Susan and Tony's jive, but it just seemed so dainty and cautious to me. She was completing all the steps, but maybe Susan's just not a large enough person to really sell her moves. Still, I smile when I watch these two, and this week it was mostly because I could not stop watching Tony's sparkly black vest as if it was a separate TV show itself. You never knew which sequins were going to catch the spotlight! Mesmerizing.

Rocco DiSpirito and Karina: 20/30 Just when I assumed nothing could get worse than Rocco's fluttery white puffy shirt, their Viennese waltz accompaniment began. I can't even call that rendition of ''What's New, Pussycat'' a song. That'd be giving it way too much extra credit considering it failed to complete the basic assignment. I honestly couldn't tell if Rocco's dancing was horrible or if it was just the ''music.'' And then Bruno complained saying, ''You don't keep the musicality going''! How the hell could he have? It was all too much. ''Blue Danube'' played throughout their rehearsal segment. Why couldn't they have used that? Because then DANCMSTR wouldn't have gotten to look all cute in a pussycat mask, that's why. Sidenote/FYI: I feel Rocco and I are in some small way aligned in the universe, because right when he complained about being ''out of juice,'' I was taking a sip of Jamba Juice myself. Of course, I hadn't bothered to cover up the logo with hardcore electrical tape like he did. This is just one of many reasons why I am not Dancing With the Stars material. Speaking of which...

Cloris Leachman and Corky: 16/30 Nooooooo! Make it stop. All I wanted to do was weep during Cloris and Corky's ''performance'' (again, to avoid extra credit, I cannot call it an actual jive). The wig malfunction, the hooked-fish move, the ass-smacking, the bleepin' wheelbarrow...this was a s---show that rivaled Marie Osmond's freestyle ''Doll Dance'' from season 5 in terms of misguided choreography, obscene amounts of pink material, and general WTF-ness. I was almost embarrassed for the ol' gal. Couldn't Corky have attempted a few more basic steps, even slowed-down ones, in lieu of a hyper-sexualized romp through The Land of No-One-Wants-to-See-That?

What do you think, dancemasters? Are you as depressed about M&M's departure as I am? Will Toni Braxton's next project be an 18th-century-inspired rock album? And does anyone really believe they'll eliminate someone night? Because they totally won't!

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