'Dancing With the Stars' recap: Steps and misteps
I trust you're all wearing black today (pleather: optional) to effectively mourn the loss of both Misty May-Treanor's healthy left Achilles tendon and the presence of ''Maksim...Chi-may-uh-kovskiy!'' on our TVs — the latter of which I've long considered a free, twice-weekly hot oil treatment for us all. Bah! Misty and Maks, the dream team composed of two of my favorite people ever, heard their mirrorball dreams shatter with a resounding pop. Thanks, DWTS post-production audio specialists, for amping up the volume of the pop for extra horror! God, I never want to hear that sound again. And, sickeningly, I know I'm not the only one who rewound it. M&M 2.0 are officially out of the competition, which will leave Misty plenty of time to eat carbs and chill with her hubby...and should present Maks with ample free time which he is strongly encouraged to waste by talking to me! HINT.
After another generally lackluster performance show, I have to go with Misty's flip-flop as my MVP pick for week 3. But let's not neglect the nine other contestants who received actual scores. Here they are...drumroll please....no, drummer, stop — I'm crying and the only thing that'll make me feel better is if the singer lady with the Disney forehead jewels does the drumroll instead. YES! That's more like it. Here we go...
Brooke Burke and Derek: 28 out of possible 30 Whoa alert: DANCMSTR awarded Brooke the first 10 of the season! Their Viennese waltz was indeed lovely, but the perfect score shocked me a little. My eyes kind of glazed over during the dance and it just seemed like all pretty twirls and dips and smiles — but with no detectable emotion involved. Maybe DANCMSTR wanted one really bright spot in a night full of misses, or maybe Brooke was also getting scored on her ability to tolerate smarmy pro partners who tell people things like ''Your mind's lazy'' and ''I'm not actually gonna hear you, because I know what I'm doing.'' Yikes. (Real, three-dimensional people say stuff like this all the time, but Derek should know that you can't do that on television!)
Warren Sapp and Kym: 26/30 The self-proclaimed ''softer side of Sapp'' came out in full maroon-and-pink force with a Viennese waltz that DANCMSTR said was ''giving those skinny people a real run for their money.'' I almost thought Warren looked a little thinner myself, but that could be because the sausage casing he was costumed in could easily be marketed as a macho-man alternative to Spanx. Bruno's comment on Warren's uncanny ability to ''get the character of the dance'' makes sense to me, but as in the case with Brooke, it's almost like the judges are grasping at straws for big, juicy compliments to hand out, even though no one is really that good this season — yet, at least. Am I nuts here? The fact that I'm in mourning doesn't help. Pass the chocolate.
NEXT: Waltzing away