'DWTS' ep 2 recap: One down!
Welcome back to round 2 of Princess Sparkles' Dancing With the Stars premiere-week TV Watch marathon! Princess Sparkles will have to ask you to stand on a platform in the middle of the room, and take two hours to read this entire recap. You will do so under the assumption that there will be very little payoff at the end, other than a silly screen grab and a vague remembrance of the Jeffrey Ross formerly known as a ballroom dancer. Still want to go through with this? Stand up straighter! And would it kill you to keep smiling as you become completely overtaken by a nameless sense of dread? I don't think so. Are you a woman? Don't forget your bedazzled four-inch heels! Fabulous. Places, please. And...cue spotlight! You all look great, as usual. Let's start the show....
Brooke Burke and Derek: 26 out of possible 30 The high scorer for both nights so far, Brooke delivered a quickstep that doubled as a baby-putting-to-sleeper. (After the season, she should definitely endorse this dance as a product, perhaps in a paid programming block alongside Susan Lucci's Malibu Pilates Chair.) The judges, who were sparing with the 8 paddles all night, whipped out the 9s for Brooke and Derek, whose dance they said embodied ''pure Hollywood'' and was ''Sen! Say! Shun! Uhl!'' I particularly loved this couple's costumes, even though I had to really squint in order to correctly tally Brooke's dress under the Sequins or Fringe categories.
Cody Linley and Julianne: 23/30 As the prom king and queen started swiveling their way through the first bars of ''I Want You to Want Me,'' it was almost as if the ridiculous red fringe on Julianne's dress was singing directly to me. ''I do, you know I do!'' I swore to the fringe, and I hope it heard me. For the quickstep, Cody went through The Change from boy to man just in time to command ballroom's most difficult dance with a more mature frame and posture. I loved the way Cody attempted to, for a few seconds, act easy-breezy-beautiful backstage ("I'm super happy. That's awesome'') before just admitting to Samantha that he was completely out of breath.
Toni Braxton and Alec: 23/30 Speaking of breathing, last night Toni received a very important lesson from Alec in how to do so — specifically, breathe out on the way down from a jump or other strenuous move. These little tutorials about things that actually have to do with dance are few and far between among rehearsal packages usually dominated by much more important issues — you know, like confidence-boosting, the trials of practicing a tango in a private jet, and the spray-tanning of football players in the same shade as their natural skin tones. But where was I? Toni. Please remember to breathe again...breathe again.
NEXT: Rocco's (lack of) hip action