'Dancing With the Stars' season premiere recap: Fringe-worthy

Cody Linley and Julianne: 18/30 Every time I hear this couple mentioned, I end up picturing Julianne with her brother Derek. Is that so far off? Probably — Cody did say, ''If I could focus on the dance instead of Julianne's hotness..." and we all know Derek's way too dedicated a ballroom technician to ever let Julianne's hotness affect his performance. I'll just chalk it up to their performing first. Cody and Julianne are really young, you guys. Young, young, young, young, young. ''The flash of youth,'' according to Bruno. Bottom line: Cute couple. Cody needs to refine his energy. And note to Tom: Calling Cody and Julianne ''the flash of youth'' does not qualify as the ''first Bruno metaphor'' of the season,'' because it actually made sense and therefore does not compute.

Ted McGinley and Inna: 18/30 Will the DWTS season 7 finale be our dear show's last? Mr. McGinley has an unfortunate tendency to appear on enduring shows as they begin to fail (Happy Days, The Love Boat, Dynasty, Married...With Children). But whatever. None of those shows featured a disco ball trophy, the known antidote for Ted McGinliness. He's perfectly pleasant, not to mention young looking — in fact, during Ted's cha-cha, it became necessary to appropriate the Beach Boys lyrics to the situation at hand (''God only knows Ted McGinley's real age,'' along with ''God only knows how bright Inna's dress is in real life,'' etc.). I think Ted danced much better than his ranking suggests, but don't expect him to last too long, especially as he's partnered with a new (lovely!) pro.

Cloris Leachman and Corky: 16/30 There's basically nothing one can say about Cloris' ''performance'' that in any way relates to her actual fox-trot. After Bruno made that Battlestar Geriatrica comment that you know he practiced like 70 times in the mirror, Cloris hoisted her leg onto the judges' table, then proceeded to nearly flash DANCMSTR and sit in Carrie Ann's lap. Amidst fake laughter, the judges did offer critiques, which Cloris opted not to hear in favor of making jokes about orphans. Watching Cloris Leachman swear after receiving her scores was a little funnier than when Adam Carolla did the same thing in season 6, but the entire charade left me submerged in a reality-TV stupor, one so dark that I needed a nice, loud ''WHO'S YOUR DADDY? I'M CORKY BALLAS.'' to snap me out of it. Then the darkness continued.

Susan Lucci and Tony: 15/30 Susan's cha-cha received mixed reviews: DANCMSTR thought it was too careful, Bruno wanted her to be sluttier, and Carrie Ann begged her to gain some weight. The judges all agreed that Susan needs to basically play Erica Kane on the ballroom floor instead of herself. Which wouldn't be a horrible idea, especially if the network went ahead and made it official. Dancing With All My Children, coming this fall on ABC. I am so there.

Rocco DiSpirito and Karina: 14/30 Rocco says he's best known for ''standing in place and chopping onions,'' but I'm sure he really meant ''schmoozing patrons in my own restaurants in front of camera crews.'' He's definitely a showman, and I didn't think his fox-trot was all that bad for week 1. If Cloris gets extra points for being 82, Rocco should get some for the last-minute ankle injury of his partner!

Jeffrey Ross and Edyta: 12/30 Sorry, ya big ol' onion ring, but anyone who does not already know how to pronounce ''Edyta'' automatically gets sent home this week. Along with Edyta.

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