'Dancing With the Stars' season premiere recap: The Gute, the Bad, and the Ugly

Adam Carolla and Julianne: 15/30 ''Dancing With the Stars sounded humiliating, so I thought I should do it.'' That's the spirit, buddy! No. The ''comedian'' spent most of his rehearsal time annoying Julianne, who's probably psyched that she'll soon have the time to promote her country album (Adam's prediction, along with everyone else's). The pair danced a fox-trot to ''Mellow Yellow,'' which automatically invoked Julianne and Helio's banana dance from last season. She did her best to swirl around Adam like a beautiful, spastic canary, but he looked stiff and, as DANCMSTR put it, ''needs to get into the freedom of the dance some more.'' Like Penn, Adam took it upon himself to interrupt Len's constructive criticism: ''I'm supposed to get in a nine-piece suit in front of 25 million people and relax doing something I'm horrible at? That's the plan?'' Actually, yeah, bro, that's exactly the point of the show. He knows that, and he also knows his particular brand of humor won't translate very well with this show's audience. But he's doing it anyway. Caution to the wind! What a rebel! It was all a bit obnoxious. And calling Carrie Ann a ''bitch,'' out loud, in front of a room of people specifically trained to respect her opinion (not to mention the viewing public), was flat-out uncalled for. Maybe he will be, too.

Hilariously awkward pre-commercial-break interaction of the night Mario giving the Gute a dance lesson. Specifically the part when the Gute went in for the handshake, Mario missed it, and they ended up haphazardly ballroom dancing with each other instead. Worth a rewind. It was at 8:54.

Spotted! Helio and Scary Spice, in the audience! Mel didn't get to say anything. Helio represented season 5 for both of them, with some enlightening words — and I quote: ''Ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah, sure! I don't know. Ha ha ha ha ha.'' Awww. Just like old times. XOXO.

Miss Maks? Duh, me too. But I'll be talking to him tomorrow for a video interview, to be posted Thursday! Ask Maks anything you want, on PopWatch.

Kristi Yamaguchi, apparently the Ferocia Coutura of the season, said the women's performance tonight is ''gonna be fierce.'' Let's hope! What did you think of guys' night? Do Penn and Adam talk too much? Did Karina time-travel like Desmond on Lost and spend a few weeks in 1996 recuperating from neck surgery? And who was your favorite macho man of the night?

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