''Dancing With the Stars: Feathered-fringe rules!
''Your hips looked good. I was watching in a pseudo-professional...they just looked good, okay?'' said Drew Lachey to All My Children stud Cameron Mathison. ''Pennsylvania loves you, Wayne and Cheryl,'' screamed some girls who wanted to be on TV. We are filled with self-loathing, thought Joel and Andy from ABC's Cavemen, after Tom Bergeron picked them out of a challenging lineup of non-heavily-bearded people. Fine, maybe that last one was wishful thinking. 'Twas just another night, ''Liiiiiiiiive,'' in the Dancing With the Stars ballroom. You know how it goes.
I'm lovin' Drew, by the way. He's relaxed so much in just a week that now, instead of saying the appropriate lines stiffly, he's just saying whatever occurs to him and embarrassing himself. When Samantha does that, it's a little annoying, and I only say ''a little'' because I feel like I'm not supposed to make fun of new moms. Wow, that's messed up. But when Drew messes up, it's endearing, because he's really not supposed to know any better. Plus he's so short. It's all very cute. Let's move onto the dancers.
Helio Castroneves: 27 out of possible 30 The Brazilian felt more pressure to rock the mambo because of his Latin blood, and he definitely won everyone over for the second week in a row. I enjoyed their dance, but I had to go back and watch it again because I realized I'd been watching Julianne's tricks the first time. I know male dancers are supposed to showcase the women, but I'm not sure if the focus on her is a good thing. With another partner, would Helio seem so great? For now, the guy wins on personality alone. I loved how he looked down and winced during the score announcements. It wasn't an act, because I don't think he knows how to do that. As Carrie Ann said, Helio is ''the real deal.'' (FYI: Tyra Banks has called herself that too. Of course she has.)
Sabrina Bryan: 26/30 Mmm...Cheetos. Sabrina conquered problems with frame, posture, and the desire to inject cheesy hip-hop moves into all her dances, and pulled off an impressive quickstep with partner Mark. FASHION INTERLUDE: It's worth pointing out here that last night, it was feathered fringe's time to shine. Sabrina, Cheryl, Marie, Edyta, and Jane — none could resist its thoroughly tacky allure. Sabrina's hot-pink floor-length gown was especially hideous. She looked like an over-50 drag queen. Who arrives late for Christmas dinner. Drunk. Not a great look for her. She should have lent it to Edyta, who was only wearing feathered fringe.
Marie Osmond: 24/30 How much did we love the death glare Donny shot Bruno after he called Marie ''a real hot Latina mama in a steamy night in Puerto Rico, getting down and dirty''? Quite a lot, but not as much as Marie and Jonathan's mambo. It wasn't perfect and her timing seemed a bit off, but the dynamic within the ''Jonny and Marie'' partnership could win many people over. I loved when they were practicing the death drop, and he was all ''This is do-or-die.'' Which, since they hadn't gotten the move right so far without falling, basically meant: ''Die.'' But they didn't!
Lady Spice: 23/30 Mel B.'s quickstep dress marked yet another tragedy in pink and shiny things, but the real story here is how a brave man and an elegant lady triumphed against all odds to perform a respectable ballroom dance to the most heinous rendition of ''Take On Me'' ever. Seriously, American Idol should consider just cutting to footage of this dance during every audition week. The judges fawned over Mel B.'s graceful posture and control, possibly because she and Maks were good soldiers and made use of the optional in-house etiquette coach. Bruno even compared Mel to Lena Horne and Ginger Rogers in the same sentence. Yo, he'll tell you what you want, what you really really want...
NEXT: Five people scored 21, because our dear judges do enjoy rendering themselves useless...