'Dancing With the Stars' recap: Tony and Kate Plus Fate

On the Week 5 results show of Dancing With the Stars season 10, Kate Gosselin was beamed from Planet Mirrorballus back to a world in which an abundance of pastel, sequins, and '80s fashions are an aberration instead of the encouraged norm. A nation gasps, but does not quite weep. I can't decide which makes me more perplexed — that Tom called this week's fallen Star ''fan favorite Kate Gosselin,'' or that the Free Tony t-shirt I ordered might have a weaker shelf life than I'd suspected. I'll just call it a ''vintage Dancing With the Stars collector's item'' and wear it as a bottom layer... in bed.

Props-lover Pamela Anderson was in the bottom two with Kate — yes, the real bottom two this time. After the show, fan favorite Kate Gosselin told my colleague Lynette Rice, ''I knew. My gut feelings are always right...I woke up this morning and I knew it was today. And it was okay.'' (Read the whole interview here.)

Bachelor Jake and Chelsie danced this week's encore — DANCMSTR and Carrie Ann innocently wanted to see a ''really fun cha cha cha,'' and Bruno wanted the chance to see a certain someone in his tighty whiteys again. Too bad DANCMSTR said ''Chad and Chelsie,'' thus blowing his cover. Maybe he wanted Ochocinco to step up his Jungle Book attire a bit and dance with Chelsie in just a loincloth. They would have suited each other, too, as Chelsie's boob popped out mid-dance. No worries! She nudged that puppy right back in and the show went on, as it must because it is liiiiiiiiiive. Sadly, this dance couldn't capture the magic of Monday night's run because Giant Wig Lady was no longer a fixture in the audience.

Costa Rican multi-hyphenate entertainment sensation Debi Nova made her American television debut with a song-and-dance extravaganza to her single ''Drummer Boy.'' This visual cross between Fergie and Lady Leg Warmer basically lived out my ultimate fantasy, executing the Beyoncé chest bump/flail while flanked by four of Our Pros — Tony, Dmitry, Damian, and Derek. At one point I paused this segment and the fringe-ish nature of Debi's dress upped my dreamlike state even higher. The silver ''strands'' bounced like fringe, but they were all woven together. It was fringe... but kept in place. CONTROLLED FRINGE. My heart, it palpitated.

My cardiovascular health was further threatened with that preview segment of the Stars helping my American idol, costume designer Randall Christensen, come up with next week's costumes for Our Pros. Niecy wanted to clothe Louis entirely in chocolate so she could eat him, Jake pretended to not know what a sequin was despite evening-gowning his way through an entire season of The Bachelor, and Evan got his hands dirty Project Runway-style and used a sewing machine himself. The horror! You know how some people (and the cast of Saved by the Bell that one time) dream of spending the night in a shopping mall? I would like to hide away in a sea of chiffon in the DWTS costume room, staple myself under the colorful ''waves'' with rhinestones, and see how long it would take to be discovered. After a few days, my hair would become electric green fringe and the chocolates in my pockets would transform into large Swarovski crystals. And I would no longer be a human...I'd be a glittering heap of HIDDEN GEMS.

NEXT: All the filler segments. (Now put your hands up!)

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