'Dancing With the Stars' recap: What's the Story?

Aiden Turner and Edyta Sliwinska: 20/30 In Aiden and Edyta's story, Aiden painted a picture of the beautiful Edyta, and on this expansive canvas of his soul, she was wearing a whitish-blue bikini costume. But then when Edyta came rushing down the steps to will the portrait artist into waltzing, she was swathed in a bikini costume of a much brighter blue. So she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered in his ear, ''Hey, Soul Sister, you need to be more colorful and sparkly,'' and he replied, ''The way you move ain't fair, you know,'' but he only said that with his eyes. Throughout all of this, a singer was suddenly hitting puberty. And then Aiden, whose baby girl looks just like him, said out loud, ''I need oxygen.'' Seriously, get him some air. No one wants to see any more pixelated puke.

Kate Gosselin and Tony Dovolani: 15/30 At the beginning of something somewhat resembling the paso doble, A-list actress Kate, an awards-show mainstay, posed in ''triumph'' at the top of a ''red carpet.'' The tabloids in her hands cheered her on: ''KATE FIGHTS BACK!'' Oh, f--- those rags! She tossed them away, disgusted. Behold: a stone cold gaze toward the camera. Now what? Was she about to start vogueing? No. She just stood there, scowling. Tale as old as time! Keep in mind, this storybook scenario does not happen in real life — especially not in that dress —, but it sure does happen in Kate's mind. ABC has simply taken the liberty of parading Kate's delusion in front of over 20 million people. They shall be prosecuted in full. FREE TONY.

Buzz Aldrin and Ashly Costa: 13/30 Buzz was laying the ''patriotic geezer'' shtick on pretty thick after his waltz, but who can blame him? The judges still won't give him any credit for executing a complete dance routine. Watch it, DANCMSTR — next time, the patriotic geezer might step it up a notch from merely gesturing a few inches away from his chest with his hat in his hand. He could actually throw an object, or stand five or less feet away from you in his blinding red rehearsal windbreaker, yell ''SPOTLIGHT!'' and impair your vision irreversibly. Watch your back, old man. Buzz is studying Ashly on video.

Speaking of Ashly, who was decidedly and rather hilariously not all that jazzed after Pam's paso... I'm hoping Ashly's raspberry/blueberry swirl gown — wardrobe choice of war-hero daughters everywhere — will inspire me to eat real fruit this morning instead of just Kellogg's Mixed Berry Fruity Snacks. Either option is a win, though, because they all look like gems.

'Til tomorrow morning, DANCMSTRs — leave your own critiques and nominate your Hidden Gems of the Week in the comments. Who goes home tonight?

Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett

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