Dancing With the Stars recap: Jai Ho, Paula!

Ms. Abdul joins the judging panel as Bruno's partner in verbal grime on 'Offbeat Dances Night'
Ep. 07 | Aired Oct 15, 2012

WHO IS MORE AROUSED? Trick question! Bruno has met his match in aggressively loopy DANCMSTRSS Paula.

ABC

"Offbeat dance style" night brought more shirtless Val, a "Lion King dressed as Cookie Monster" costume (guess who just decided what she'll be for Halloween? It's not Sabrina!) and, speaking of random assignments, one-time-only guest judge Paula Abdul. As far as I can tell, Paula was there so we could see if Bruno Tonioli's typically wild 'n' sexual gyrations became funnier and more palatable once he'd acquired a "dance partner" as loopy as he was. Did it work? Sure, why not? I'll just go ahead and score Paula a something-point-five. Definitely not a zero. Maybe a nine? Neiiiiiiiiiiiiiin!

Will the judges and Forever Our Girl please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inahhhhhhh-ber!

Shawn Johnson and Derek Hough: 39.5 out of 40 When Carrie Ann tried to console Karina with her comment that everyone's outside of their comfort zones tonight, I was all bish please -- AS IF you haven't seen Derek the Crotch Bob Queen execute a perfect mambo like 30 freaking times! The judges' choreography darling may have even been a little disappointed he didn't get to rise to the challenge of a bizarre dance style, but this mambo -- featuring His Majesty pounding the bongos, a racy cutout sequined frock for Shawn, and a brilliant gymnastic-y "fakeout final pose" in the middle of the routine -- was just as exciting as an "oddball dance" would have been.

Paula was so flummoxed by Shawn's sexiness that she lost her wording a little (it happens!) and barely panted out a request that Derek "should be on the ballot." She probably meant the Emmys choreography ballot, but is it too late to register Hough/Maroney for the presidential race? The electoral college is not impressed.

Gilles Marini and Peta Murgatroyd: 39.5/40 I almost listed Gilles first because he just WANTED IT SO HARD this week, but in the interest of alphabetizing I will stick with my pre-established, boring method. This couple spent much of the week in Miami for undisclosed reasons and enlisted the help of a local Floridian Bollywood expert/miracle worker to brew up some magic for them.

By Saturday night back in mean old L.A., though, this enchantress' spells had dissolved into a puddle of lackluster brine where a pool of glittery chutney should have been: Gilles and Peta were having a choreography crisis. Would they snap out of it with their exquisite hand gestures in the shapes of birds? Of course they would! That's the magic of Aladdin, all grown up the right way with 50 percent more abs and 100 percent more French accent. My, these two were a vision. That opening with the silhouettes and precise hand movements was, as Paula said, "as smoldering and spicy as a vindaloo."

Visibly aroused by his seat mate/spirit animal's knack for sexually charged food metaphors, Bruno laid flat on the table and begged Paula to "do it. Do it now." Eat vindaloo off of his couture-clothed torso? That Paula Abdul is a lucky lady.

NEXT: Do it, Kelly and Val! DO IT NOW.

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