Dancing With the Stars recap: As Long as You Love Me

The right dancer waltzes home on premiere week; Justin Bieber wears a dropped-crotch leather onesie
Ep. 02 | Aired Sep 25, 2012

YOU'RE ALL SAFE No, just some of you. Fine, everyone.

ABC

Well, Baywatch babe Pamela Anderson is the first to go. Everyone's relieved, right? Viewers, audience members, people who work on the show. Her partner, Tristan. Lord Mirrorballus. That big-ass chandelier. I can just sense a sigh of relief all-around, because frankly Pam was no All-Star. She clearly hadn't had enough time to practice dancing with her recent travel schedule, and her subsequent nerves made everything about her presence on the show uncomfortable to watch. It was almost like she was just dropping by to visit, awkwardly. A bit of a bizarre second attempt at mirrorball glory, but there's no need to dwell on it. This just means we'll see more of Tristan on Tuesday nights. Nothin' wrong with that.

Drew Lachey and Anna Tre-BUN-skaya somewhat surprisingly joined Pam and Tristan in the bottom two. The folks running the Twitter box made sure to pepper that thing with a hearty Drew bias with winning submissions such as "DREW PLEASE BE SAFE YOU ARE GORGEOUS #DWTS"

Bristol Palin ended up "in jeopardy" (which means nothing) with Drew and Pam, and her Twitter fans seemed even worse off than Drew's: "If Bristol & Mark go home in the first week, I may just lay in the floor and cry for a month." I can understand lying down and having a sob sesh for an hour, maybe a day, or yeah why not a month. But to embed yourself into the floor just to get that accomplished? That's some serious devotion going on.

Don't worry Bristol. IT'S NOT A TOOMAH.

Looks like Len forgot to attend the glowsticks tutorial for Pitbull's "Don't Stop the Party."

You'll get 'em next time, DANCMSTR!

When Justin Bieber began As Long As You Love Me," I had sort of a profound DWTS moment because he was flanked by all these giant silver Tetris pieces that turned out to be held by his backup dancers. These structures were, upon deeper thought, like facets of a mirrorball come to life! There's people in there. MIRRORBALL SILVER IS PEOPLE. It's peeeeeeeeeopllllllllllllle! Truly, this is so powerful. If the mirrorball symbolizes the show and the planet on which it takes place, then naturally its facets should be composed of its most sparkly constituents. Of course in this metaphor we'll have to shoo away those pesky Justin Bieber backup dancers, who are no match for Our Pros.

I earnestly complained to Twitter that Justin Bieber needs to stop attempting to make leather Hammer pants happen, because they are so not fetch.

But after a closer inspection, I realized Justin Bieber was wearing a leather Hammer ONESIE. Is that what the song's about, then? The Biebs can take the liberty of wearing the dumbest garment imaginable, as long as you love him? He could be starving, he could be homeless, he could be broke, but you'll never know for sure whether he's a billionaire or a bum as long as he keeps wearing his leather onesie with a dropped crotch? Now I understand the song.

NEXT: The Top 7 ("seh-vehhhhhn!") moments of the results show

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