Jack Osbourne and Cheryl Burke: 33/40 jazz + 38/40 tango = 71/80 total Inspired by Cher's comment that Jack was like a dancing pimp, the couple extended this imaginary storyline for two more dances with plugged/unplugged versions of the Police's "Roxanne." Their jazz routine started out backstage, with Cheryl writhing on her vanity (Corbin just got jealous) as Jack skulked around with jazz hands.
Things got crazy: At one point he was swinging her entire outstretched body around his head like some sort of prostitution discus. I very much enjoyed this lift (illegal? who cares) into the floor spin, and the incorporation of the red-paneled door into both dances, but this first one didn't suit Jack perfectly. Len, perhaps annoyed by all the messin' about at the beginning, said the jazz lacked a bit of finesse.
Not everyone agreed.
Jack's biographical package definitely made me cry, and not just because it reminded me of a much freer time in my life when the only reality shows I absorbed on the reg were The Osbournes and Survivor. His mom Sharon, his sister Kelly, his wife Lisa, and an inexplicably un-subtitled Ozzy recounted along with Jack the way he'd turned to drugs as a teenager and more recently dealt with his diagnosis of MS. Oh, and he's been experiencing problematic vision in his left eye this week, along with shooting pains up and down his arms. It's not fatigue. He knows what it is. "It's just a dance show," Cheryl urges him. But gosh darnit, that trophy is pretty cool, and he's gonna go for it... unless he can't.
Thank God he could tonight, because Jack's dimly lit Argentine tango was hands-down the dance of the week for me, and I say this even though their song is one I can't stand: "El Tango de Roxanne" from Moulin Rouge. (Sorry if that's sacrilege to you musical fans. But I hate it! If I wanted to hear a monster in the process of dying, I wouldn't be listening to a cover song of the Police. That's basically my philosophy on the entirety of Moulin Rouge. Gem-stone me to death for it in the comments!)
I liked EW.com reader fridgedancer's remark: "I didn't realize the Count from Sesame Street was a singer on this show now." Ha! I wish it were the Count.
Side note: In general, there should be a fictionalized version of DWTS in which the entire cast is Sesame Street characters. Perhaps I will write this as a blog series over Christmas, but do not hold your breath.
Anyway, this Argentine tango of Jack's just swept me up in a shared vibe that's difficult to describe. Everyone had just sat through that emotional package, and here Jack was in his element (ballroom dance, in hold) just going for it in this confident, controlled, yet vulnerable-at-every-moment manner. I love when I can feel someone's adrenaline rush, but what comes across is not wild and unruly but precise and contained. And he's invincible as long as he's within this 90-second power-pocket he created (with Cheryl's help) through a combination of positive thinking and newfound ability. And it just works! I sound CRAZY. I'm sorry. It's so late. I'm really into this.
Still firmly in the power-pocket, at the very end of this dance, Jack launched into this crazy lift, whipping Cheryl up and over his head while standing practically still, just this unlikely pillar of strength. (Jack Osbourne! That sad, misguided TV kid! Man, this show is so nuts!) The music stopped and Cheryl's left arm fell limp as she shook her head at him in proud disbelief. Aggghhhhh. Major DWTS moment right there. I could watch a loop of those few seconds for hours. Preferably without the audio!
"The transformation is unbelievable," cried Bruno, nearly taking Maks out in the process. "THE SHAPES!"
Is it any wonder Maks is a pro/Our Pro? His "top line" in this dance sequence was exquisite!
NEXT: 'Something in my groin went way haywire'