Gotta take a pause and marvel that Amber's mom's name is Tiny Hightower-Riley. Is Amber's mom Chelsie? I'll investigate further and get back to you next week.
Corbin Bleu and Karina Smirnoff: 35/40 tango + 40/40 rumba = 75/80 total The pair started out with a blowout fire sale (is anyone buying it?) of a tango set to a Fall Out Boy song called -- I sh*t you not -- "My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark (Light Em Up)." Ugh, not sure why that title irks me so much. So many useless capital letters and (punctuation marks)! Every possible way to incorporate flames into live television production was employed, plus five or so others. Einstein may have been involved. I don't know the specifics.
What Bruno called an "exploding volcano" of a dance left Len practically manic as he thrashed around advocating for more calmness in the tango. It actually was pretty painful to watch, especially if you are already prone to seizures, I'd imagine, and particularly if you focused for too long on the flames -- flames! -- on the bottom of Corbin's black leather vest. Too much! I did, however, enjoy how Karina made sure to pull her hair out of her face for the camera as Corbin unceremoniously dragged her by the feet towards the staircase.
And thank you to Corbin for finally providing a literal interpretation of my favorite self-imposed DWTS hashtag! #SPARKLEBARF
After feeling zero sympathy for Corbin's Stanford vs. High School Musical dilemma, because having done High School Musical, he can now buy himself a Stanford degree in every field including Studies in Leather and Sadomasochism and still probably be less than half as old as you are -- I settled in for their "unplugged" rumba enclosed in a half-moon of spotlights. They needed that many because Corbin went shirtless! His body is a wonderland (Carrie Ann and Maks officially disagree on this, for the record) and he undulated for his pleasure. I mean ours. Nope, I was right the first time. Is it just me or is Corbin constantly turning himself on?
Look, I don't dislike the guy -- if I could detect a personality in there, I might, but I don't. But what exactly am I supposed to be rooting for here? Corbin's a professional dancer with not much connection to his partner -- Maks' former fiancée (the show found it necessary to bring this up twice), whom Maks lovingly placed tonight in "the top five best female dancers of all time." When I watch Corbin and Karina, even in this exquisite, perfectly scored bedroom dance, they are technically great, but I just don't feel anything from them as a unit. I think EW.com reader DancingBrenda put it best: "He's dancing to the camera and she's along for the ride."
NEXT: Cheryl don't care if it's wrong or if it's right