Christina Milian and Mark Ballas: 24/30 For their foxtrot, the prison (?) gate prop and lighting switches -- not to mention Christina's stunning, carefully bejeweled red silk gown -- enhanced the drama Mark always brings to his routines. This didn't strike me as one of Mark's showboaty, "only look at me" routines, which is why Julianne's comment that "I danced with Mark -- you have to stand in front to make sure you're seen" seemed out of left field in the context of this evening. As a commentary on Mark's style in general, it was quite the zinger. I couldn't believe it was happening!
Anyway, the also-befuddled Christina is nearly Mark's equal, at least in terms of presentation. And she really seems to like Mark. "I really wanted to see you shine," Julianne told Christina, to which Christina squeezed her partner's shoulders and shot back "We shine together!"
Jack Osbourne and Cheryl Burke: 24/30 "That was a tough package," Cheryl complained again that she was witching out at Jack because it was that time of the month. Girl, no! Once was more than enough! Theirs is a classic struggle between dance historian and actual dancer: "How do you not know what a marionette is?" "How do you not know how to keep your arms up?" Their quickstep was a lot better than that package would suggest -- "Ballroom is definitely your strong suit," said Julianne, who thought that if Jack would only "smile and have fun," it would put him right over the edge. Into a crippling depression. Just kidding. It's not funny. Bruno complimented Jack's footwork with one of the most blatant lies of his career: "I've never seen so many tricks in my life -- even in Vegas!"
The Once Upon a Time in Wonderland rabbit really struggled with the cha cha this week. It's almost like he wasn't supposed to be part of the dance at all.
Leah Remini and Tony Dovolani: 24/30 I love that she's just SELLING it. Leah is not winning any technical merit contests here, but her insecurities during rehearsals don't manage to creep out onto the floor. She's getting pretty mouthy about all the ringers in the competition, begging Tony for easier moves and wailing "I'M NOT A DANCER!" But dude, that's the whole point. We the audience aren't desperately interested in seeing Christina Milian nail a jive. We want to see you, in all your Sparkly Yeti glory, channel the power of
an entire can of hairspray J. Lo in a cha cha cha! Try to be a dancer. Just do it!
That final dip of Leah and Tony's was really impressive, with her fringed leg straight up like that, no wavering at all. If anything, the fringe fluttered ever so gently across Tony's sparkling white teeth, creating a blindingly beautiful microcosm of what DWTS is all about.
NEXT: Wait a minute... Julianne's phone number is '7'?