"If you just tuned in, we're playing Find the Body Fat," quipped Tom Bergeron. Ha! Oh, and I found it. It's ALL THE BOOBS.
I hope everyone guzzled their 2-Hour Energy (liquid glitter) or at least ingested a mind-altering "Eat Me" cake -- tonight the couples took on either a high-powered jive or quickstep or a totally trippy jazz routine. I'll list them in order of their total Week 1 + Week 2 tallies….
Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inahhhhhhhh-ber!
Zendaya and Valentin Chmerkovskiy: 26 out of possible 30 (Total: 50/60) "Dancing in heels -- are you kidding me?" wondered the Disney Channel star in a precise approximation of my general approach to the series. I enjoyed the crafty editing on this segment that showed Val worrying that Zendaya hadn't grown into her body yet and that her lengthy limbs wouldn't allow for speed…because THIS JIVE! Like Tom said, it was so buttah-y and delicious, especially with that gold fringe barely able to keep up with the newborn baby deer's feet. If this is Zendaya as an awkward beginner, I can't even imagine what kind of monstrous doe queen beast she'll become by the finals.
I love everything about this couple. Zendaya's facial expressions are coolly sensual without being over-the-top, and on the off chance I happened to tear my eyes away from her to check out Val (crazy!), there he was beaming at her with such pride.
"You're so talented -- it's easy to forget you're only 16." Not if you keep reminding us, Brooke. And happy birthday to Old Man River Val-y, he of the quick one-liners and fatherly instincts. "Step away from the pole -- What every good father should say to his daughter!" he warned his partner.
Kellie Pickler and Derek Hough: 26/30 (Total: 47/60) Tonight's light saber cheerleading routine was exactly what I imagine is running through Derek's imagination whenever he's not distracted by Instagram or a mirror. It's also, I'm guessing, why "Jazz" is now mandatory on DWTS. The mood and general atmosphere reminded me of his futuristic paso doble -- or, you know, any solid jazz routine on So You Think You Can Dance.
I'm torn on this one. It felt out of place in the ballroom, but of course the choreography was inventive as heck and Kellie's amazing extensions cannot be denied. At the end of the day, did we not want to see her ride a bicycle in the air in slow-motion or pierce Derek's skin with the jagged mirrors on her boobs? It's not like I'm such a ballroom purist that I cannot appreciate the arts of floating and/or bloodletting. Hey, whatever, we'll take it.
NEXT: Aly Raisman takes the Mark Ballas School of Face-Making's most advanced fail-fail course