After the third and final Dance Duel of season 14 -- this one a rumba! -- it was Jaleel White and his partner Kym Johnson who headed home on week 7. TV's Urkel went out swinging, joking (I think -- none of his jokes were ever funny) that head judge Len Goodman was "the old guy outside the grocery store who won't give the kid any money for candy." Oddly enough, this was Jaleel's second sweets-related gaffe of the night. I'm not sure why he decided to make fun of his own "comfort eating" following Monday night's performance by telling us he "ate cheesecake like a divorced mother of three" while standing right next to Melissa Gilbert. Way to alienate a big, dense, goopy slice of the viewing audience, buddy. Sure, some of us prefer brownie sundaes, but come on.
These were two of Jaleel's worst moves of the season. No rise, all fall, big fail. I love how I'm getting so riled up about these dessert-based insults. Buy your own candy, weirdo! If you just shut up and dance well, the old man might throw you pennies (or shillings). Eat your cheesecake like a man!
Len called the Dance Duel "cruel" after Roshon Fegan and Chelsie Hightower faced off against Jaleel and Kym in a last-ditch rumba. As FRINGMSTR and unofficial historian of the DANCMSTR's outbursts, may I remind Len of his thunderous cry two weeks ago? "What we are TRYING to SAFEGUARD is the INTEGRITY of the DANCE!" UNTIL the only people LEFT are DECENT DANCERS and then it is CRUEL, I tell you! Good try Len.
Roshon and Chelsie have been in the bottom two three times now, so I'm guessing there's no way this couple will survive next week's double elimination. He'd have to undergo a huge growth and age spurt and watch as his legs miraculously double in size. It's not totally out of the question -- they are on a different planet, and you can never rule out time travel and/or magic.
Maria Menounos and Derek Hough got the encore (Lencore?) again this week. That was a little weird -- doesn't the winning Team usually get to re-dazzle us? The teachers' pets still could have shone in the group tango, and bottom-two dwellers Roshon and Jaleel would have had a last dance/last chance for love. Maybe they thought a team encore combined with the Dance Duel would have been repetitive. A Team Shirtless encore would definitely not have been repetitive, but I wouldn't want anyone to break an ankle on a Tuesday.
So I guess the first perfect 30 of the season trumps a smattering of tiny hats. Always! Read the textbook. Actually I'd like to add a discussion question to the end of Chapter 14: Ballroom Scions. "Do you think Derek Hough might be a secret grandchild of DANCMSTR Len Goodman? Why or why not?"
NEXT: The Top 7 ("seh-vehhhhhn!") moments of the results show