Image credit: ABC
SLATER SUPPORT Friends don't let friends take jive pills.
Snooki and Sasha Farber: 27/30 This is the most I've ever liked Snooki, who held her ground against Sasha's ludicrous claim that "doing a 180" was only "turning yourself halfway." Gotta admit that conversation tripped me up for a good 3.60 seconds. "Okay, so I made a new circle," she conceded to 360-degree pusher Sasha, rather graciously I thought. Anyway, they were talking about Snooki's recent priority shift from drunken exhibitionist to sober lover of laundry once she gave birth to her son, Lorenzo, in 2012. She likes folding, too.
Somehow, a feathered pantsuit, a fierce descent from the technicolor staircase, a back walkover, and Britney Spears' "Work, Bitch" all perfectly combined to announce to the world that Snooki did turn out to be a good mom, so shut up. The final pose of the two of them heaving in the middle of the Glitter Pit was a nice touch, too. "Some of the moves don't look like they come super naturally for you, but you BARREL on through them," said Carrie Ann in what I think started out as a compliment but turned into a pretty good explanation of why I don't love watching Snooki dance. But who cares what I think! She better work! Three 9s.
Freaking out freaking out freaking out.
Elizabeth Berkley Lauren and Val Chmerkovskiy: 26/30 Like I said above, their "I'm So Excited" jive was a life-affirming gem a long time coming for me. Saved by the Bell is another show that's kind of stupid, but truly lovable in its weird way, and I've seen ALL of them. It continues to comprise way too much of my pop culture awareness and I make no apologies for that. So mash it up with its sparkly, modern-day-yet-seemingly-set-in-the-'70s sister show Dancing With the Stars and this segment was just one giant hair explosion/geometric earring/NOSTALGIA OVERLOAD GUILTY PLEASURE. I could not get enough.
Once again I'm not doing a great job of expressing myself coherently. You know what I need?
No, I need them, Val -- I need them to recap!
Anyway, perhaps my near-orgasmic reaction to this dance (and Val's Emmy reel for Outstanding Actor in a Reality Series) is partly due to its technical sharpness! Sure, Elizabeth sort of fell out of her pirouette at the beginning, but in seemed in-character enough with Liz as Jessie Spano, so I thought it worked. Together, thanks to Val's extensive, possibly caffeine-fueled studying of '80s workout videos, the pair was sharp, fast, and clean on the 1990 throwback. "Tall people have trouble; they get loose," Len said. "NOT YOU."
But oof! Elizabeth and Val were deemed "in jeopardy" anyway, right as they were standing around post-scoring. "Thanks, Carrie Ann," Val deadpanned. The laughter and booing rose up so I want to make sure everyone notes his clever followups: "I was so excited… Where are those pills?"
NEXT: Did you guys have any idea Leah Remini was not a trained dancer?