Dancing With the Stars recap: Open Your Shirt to Me

Darling, Len'll give you love if you turn the key (via sound footwork). It's Contestants' Choice dance night!
Ep. 02 | Aired Mar 24, 2014

ABC

The Week 2 show was cruel and unusual punishment for many of the couples, as a surprise double elimination knocked out long-distance swimmer and Dancing With the Stars super-fan Diana Nyad and the lovely and charming Henry Byalikov early on, then sullen hockey star Sean Avery and snappy spin-demon (in every possible sense) Karina Smirnoff following a long holding pattern in which three couples' fates hung in the balance before they'd even danced! That was a ridiculous sentence, but I think it successfully mirror(ball)s the jumpy and somewhat annoying structure of the episode.

At least Diana got to dance a second time… no scores, though. Ugh, it was like they couldn't get rid of her fast enough. And she was an awesome character in this particular chapter of The House of Flying Swaggers and Disco Ball Dreams. Meanwhile, Sean and Karina pulled off a solid 21-out-of-30 salsa that really could have energized voters in his favor -- if not for his unpalatable attitude. I've spent a lot of time mulling this over, and I've concluded that Sean Avery strikes me as the actor Patrick Wilson… in character as Patrick Bateman from American Psycho. Something like that. It's not perfect. But it'll never have to be! And Sean will never have to refuse to play along ever again. No more reality TV for him.

Everyone thought Star Wars relic Billy Dee Williams would be the obvious (and only) choice to go home this week, but Lando Calrissian lives on. Hey, he can't help it if people love those movies. If the public wants to see a guy who is nearly 80 and cannot really move risk his life on a samba roll, then that is what the public shall receive!

So here’s the deal with the partner Switch Up: You have to TWEET it. (I guess if you don’t have a Twitter account you’re not participating… which is crazy.) During Weeks 2 and 3, tweet “#DWTS” along with the first names of the people you want together. Full instructions over at ABC.com, plus they’ll tweet for you. But only if you tweet. I have a headache.

Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inahhhhhh-ba!

Meryl Davis and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: 25/30 Why?! Why must they all switch partners? M&M (Mickey and Minnie Mouse, this week) have the sweetest/cutest vibe during rehearsals -- it's kind of a little girl/old man vibe, with Maks claiming he's too grizzly for all the chuck-her-over-his-shoulder lifts they pulled off in their swing dance (but he sure didn't look over-exerted during the performance, when it mattered) and Meryl suggestively sidling up to the wall in the practice studio. It's almost like her flirt-wall was a physical stand-in for her partner. Just saying, I love their chemistry. I didn't see it as much last week but now I am all about it. And that's the whole point of partnerships -- they evolve, right? Wrong, says the Switch Up!

Anyway, their swing routine, punctuated by tons of acrobatics and M&M's red and black Converse sneakers, was, I believe, the first dance to begin up in the Celebriquarium. Loved it! The ending was fabulous too as he playfully yanked her down on top of him as he fell backwards. But Bruno and Carrie Ann claimed Meryl had lost timing. "I wanna know when," Maks implored them, and later had to insist to a sh*t-stirring Erin Andrews, "I'm not trying to be disrespectful, I swear." Oh, well. Maks reacted to Len's score: "The important one gave us a 9." Totally t-shirt-worthy quote right there.

NEXT PAGE: You'll never guess who'd already been inducted into Carrie Ann's Sexy Hall of Fame


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