Dancing With the Stars recap: Open Your Shirt to Me

Darling, Len'll give you love if you turn the key (via sound footwork). It's Contestants' Choice dance night!
Ep. 02 | Aired Mar 24, 2014


Drew Carey and Cheryl Burke: 21/30 I must admit I forgot about Drew (he danced first tonight) and when someone referenced his first name I was like "Lachey? Where?" How sad is that, in general? Look at what Dancing With the Stars has done to me. Anyway, Mr. Soul Patch and his distinctive sparkly collar got the crowd going beautifully. "You're so in tune with what the public wants," Bruno gushed, adding that Drew did make some mistakes but covered them up well. I'm telling you, that sparkly collar electrified the audience! Not to mention, Cheryl's matching royal blue dress was sequined on top and blossomed into ruffles on the bottom -- a common Planet Mirrorballus costuming effect, but if you looked closely the tiered ruffles were feathery in nature. Just when I thought I'd seen everything. What a world.

Confetti on Len's head! It worked for him. It was his soul patch.

NeNe Leakes and Tony Dovolani: 21/30 We can all blame NeNe's husband Gregg for wanting her to do a complicated jive on Week 2, but no one really cares about this aggressively shoehorned-in "Which dance would you maybe kind of sort of like to do? Oh f*ck it, just name a dance. Any dance that comes to mind. Name a dance. Do it. You're not doing it. Here, I'll just feed you one. Okay, the jive" theme, so I guess Gregg is off the hook.

"No divorce!" Tom gleefully announced after their routine, which needed some sharper footwork from the pink-hooved Real Rich Housewife but was still a quite impressive Week 2 effort. I found myself mesmerized by Tony's matching pink bicep-bands on the outside of his white shirt, but that's par for the course. I think the Switch Up will hurt NeNe as she's super tall and already paired up with the tallest pro.

"Your arms could still be bigger," complained Carrie Ann, to which Tony incredulously pointed out that in the jive, your hands should stay fairly close to your body, oh my God, do you even know how to dance, lady? (That was my thought, not Tony's, at least not projected out loud.) "I don't want them to be bigger," Tony held his ground. Pretty sure he would know, Policewoman Inaaaaaahba.

Billy Dee Williams and Emma Slater: 15/30 Ha! How? Emma wisely managed to cover up her partner's physical inability to move by outfitting him in sunglasses and draping him in bedazzled broads. (You may recognize new Troupe member Jenna Johnson from last summer's So You Think You Can Dance.) Honestly, this "tango" was about as enjoyable as a foursome featuring a shaded tree could possibly be. For Len, Billy Dee's tango was more like "ivy" as it "crept along" and didn't have enough attack. "If a tango was a plant, it's a cactus! It's sharp, spiteful, prickly…" You know what? Len needs to characterize all of the dance styles in plant-based terms. I have just learned a LOT here on this week's Weeds.

What do you think, DANCMSTRs? Poor Diana, right? She is my bosom friend.


Fringe Fairy a.k.a. Anne, Surely

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