Dancing With the Stars recap: Open Your Shirt to Me

Darling, Len'll give you love if you turn the key (via sound footwork). It's Contestants' Choice dance night!
Ep. 02 | Aired Mar 24, 2014


Amy Purdy and Derek Hough: 24/30 I'd never have expected a swing routine, of all styles, to take place on one of Derek's fave structures -- the small, elevated platform. This way they could cover less ground and still seem like they were providing a lot of content. Let's just get this out of the way, thought Amy: "My legs could FLY OFF while dancing." You know that's going to happen at some point, and I'm really excited/terrified for when it does. Even Tom is uncharacteristically not "very relaxed"! For all the manufactured tension this show likes to create (I've about had it with the constant cuts to DJ Tanner during Winnie Cooper's segments and vice versa), here is an actual threat. Leg to the head! Keep an eye out. It's gonna happen.

"You used every nuance in that music to great effect," said Len, complimenting Derek in effect, as he likes to do. Bruno noticed Amy missed an under-arm pass, but claimed he would not count her down because of it. Well, why not?

Danica's hair-bubble and Peta's new cut were no match for my favorite 'do of the night: Amy's half-up rockabilly double-cinnamon-bun. YUM.

Cody Simpson and Witney Carson: 22/30 I loved Witney's explanation of the tango to a choreography-testing Cody: "It's traditional… so you have to keep holding hands." And on that note: Child, please -- "You can't have your pants sagging like that in the tango." Good for Our new Pro for holding her ground, though I do think the couple's glow-in-the-dark "TRON formalwear" (quoth Tom) distracted from the standard tango elements even more than Cody's brief and impressive interlude into the Moonwalk. Carrie Ann got all Switch Up Police on us, basically saying Cody was with the wrong partner at this current time because their height difference was too vast. Um, hardly! I mean, maybe, but in a typical season that'd just be something to work through and rise above, like, say, Jacoby and Karina.

Candace Cameron Bure and Mark Ballas: 21/30 "I know I got one more point than Danica, but she could easily get more than me this week," said Candace. Ew! Gross! Enough already with this two-person competition; there are oodles more sparklebots in the running. Mark thinks Candace needs to "own her hotness," but whoopsie-daisy…. uh oh! Candace is a Christian. Her life revolves around her relationship with Jesus Christ, not S-E-X. All right, all right. We get it. At least Candace isn't a stick in the mud within the dances themselves, as far as we can tell.

This week's rumba looked a lot like last week's contemporary and was much too aggressive and punctuated according to Len. "It didn't come off like a romance," he said. Really, Len? What's more romantic than Eternal Angsty Face, the climax of which occurs when the guy helps to volumize the girl's hair with his bare hands while dragging her backwards? Len is just completely out of touch with modern love, I guess.

Kudos to Candace for making Mark wear a shirt, by the way. Also, another note on that "volumizing" effect: DJ Tanner still has amazing hair and I bet scrunching it up like that and getting all up in its business was a serious childhood fantasy of Mark's. And I'm officially with him on that. Too much information? Sorry. She just has excellent hair.

NEXT PAGE: A lone piece of confetti on Len's head is the new soul patch

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