Dancing With the Stars recap: Open Your Shirt to Me

Darling, Len'll give you love if you turn the key (via sound footwork). It's Contestants' Choice dance night!
Ep. 02 | Aired Mar 24, 2014

ABC

James Maslow and Peta Murgatroyd: 25/30 By opening his shirt and revealing a passion for hard work and technique -- plus his insane abs -- James has suddenly emerged as one of my favorites after their gleaming white-and-tan salsa. Peta's new short layered haircut (or we might've just caught her on a rare non-extensions night) only enhanced the sleekness and speed of their routine, which ended with a triumphant and frankly unbelievable "revolving lift" that had her turning roughly 1.75 cartwheels in less than a second. Len advised James to work on his hip action, which is sort of a ringing endorsement from Len if you think about it. It means he actually thinks hip action from a male contestant is possible and wants to see him use it down the line.

Carrie Ann announced that James is in her DWTS Sexy Hall of Fame, along with Gilles Marini and…. Corbin Bleu? Huh?! I'm dying laughing. Oh. Of course -- he's in the audience. Now I really can't stop laughing.

Still laughing. Sexy Chicken Corbin Bleu.

Charlie White and Sharna Burgess: 25/30 After a quick lesson on James Bondishness from Arrogance Master Maks, our slight, blond, monogamous-for-five-years angel was ready for a sizzling tango. I got a distinct King Joffrey from Game of Thrones vibe from Charlie as he started out on his royal perch (though I must admit Cody Simpson is way more Joffrey-esque in the face than Charlie White) and enjoyed the idea of GOT suddenly "going electronic" and also taking place in the clouds. Hey, smoke machine! What's it been, like, a few minutes? Missed ya. Charlie confidently held his own in this tango -- and I gotta say, anyone who can draw attention away from Sharna during any dance is probably going to win. "You looked like Baryshnikov out there!" raved Carrie Ann. Whoa! "That's even better than the Sexy Hall of Fame," Tom correctly pointed out.

But alas, Len knocked the pair down a few points for breaking hold. The best part about Len's line, "You have to adhere, and if you don't, the judges go down on you" was Bruno trying everything within his power to maintain a straight face and not react facially. And he DID it! Marvelous segment all-around.

Danica McKellar and Valentin Chmerkovskiy: 24/30 Birthday boy Val tasked Danica with a samba routine he would dance with a professional partner, and despite a brief sobbing-in-the-storage-unit spell during rehearsals (it happens to the best of 'em), she was absolutely 100 percent up for it. Good God, that fringe! Danica's dress was basically all structured metallic fringe -- like, seriously weighty stuff. It's about time someone lent fringe the glimmer and heft and overall importance it has always deserved. Quite possibly my favorite fringe of all time! Also, Danica's "blooming out of the headband" 'do made her hair look like a bubble.

Bubbles 'n' Fringe would be an excellent bar/salon! We could have liiiiiiiiive viewing parties there every Monday. If you're in the market to buy a place that would fit this description, certainly let me know. I'll help decorate and come up with specialty cocktails. Sounds like a great deal for you, right?

But back to Danica's hair: That crimped blonde nonsense sprouting out on the sides was straight out of a Kevin Arnold nightmare, but I reveled in the fancy-jungle-cat nature of it all. In a way, it was special hair fringe. Bruno and Carrie Ann want Danica to focus on her transitions -- "When you get it right, you're gonna be a scorcher," promised Bruno. She's already on fire!

NEXT PAGE: Would Candace Cameron try a sexy rumba with God? I wonder.

Latest Videos

Advertisement