Dancing With the Stars recap: Smell the Roses?

A new romance blooms, Selena Gomez pretends to sing, and a space-invasion group dance brings Planet Mirrorballus to life
Ep. 09 | Aired Apr 16, 2013

PETA DENIED Tristan and Sean have something special.

ABC

Everyone's happy after the Week 5 results show -- especially eliminated couple D.L. Hughley and Cheryl Burke. Man oh man, were they ready to go. I'm glad -- the comedian got one more dig at mean old Len (D.L. promised to will the hip replacement Bruno had prescribed to him… to Len), and this way Victor Ortiz, Ingo Rademacher, and D.L.'s fellow low-scoring funny man Andy Dick all get another chance to dance.

“It’s hard to be this bad for this long at something,” D.L. told EW after the show. “I remember I was on stage Friday and people were laughing and clapping and I was like ‘Oh, this is who I am!’ I feel like I forgot who I was.” [Read more.]

But I'm burying the lede here: Tristan and Sean are in love! Sorry, Catherine! The Bachelor has offered his tiny rose to another man and they will live happily ever after in hot pink t-shirts, or no shirts on laundry days/most days, as the case may be.

I'm not sure whose grand idea it was for Sean to develop a crush on Tristan, but the thousands of us who have actual crushes on Tristan would like to remind Sean that this should NOT be a joke to him. Quit playing games with Tristan's heart, man! If it's real love, I'm happy for you, but if it's all a ploy for the cameras -- be careful. Nothing would turn a nation of women against Sean than a long, slo-motion shot of Tristan bawling his crystalline green eyes out in the Reject Limo. I just don't think we can take the drama!

Next week: Team dances! Kellie and Zendaya, who have the top combined scores of the season so far, will captain up the groups. Team Paso will dance to "Higher Ground" and Team Samba gets "Superstition." Andy doesn't have a dance strategy as of yet, but he'd like to be on Kellie's team so that they can call it "Team Pickler Dick." "You can't say that!" Brooke protested. But silly, it's just their names.

Meanwhile, that opening "Space Invasion Disco" number, choreographed by Derek and Mark, was one big LAG (life-affirming gem) -- an alternate universe within an alternate universe?! My mind is expanding and imploding at the same time! Planet Mirrorballus has never looked bluer or more electronic. I particularly enjoyed this part, when Our Pros circled around Peta to worship the model Sparkalien and offer her up to the human race for inspection and admiration.

Screen Shot 2013-04-16 at 9.28.53 PM

SOLD!

Young starlet Selena Gomez dropped by to deliver one of the most poorly lip-synced performances I've ever seen. I guess she had to pick one task to focus on: semi-convincing Bollywood belly dancing while lookin' hot, or mouthing the words to her single, "Come & Get It." To be fair, that sounds like a nightmare. Pull off both?! I couldn't do either. And that first one is, like, a compound task. There's just so much involved when you're paid millions of dollars to roam around the country and pretend.

So I don't blame Selena. Multitasking is tough. Killer abs, girl! #TheMagicOfDisney

NEXT: The Top 7 ("seh-vehhhhhn!") moments of the results show


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