Danica McKellar and Valentin Chmerkovskiy: 38/40 Dancing the tango, Val was out to please Len, the technical specialist. And apparently, that meant putting a huge chandelier in the middle of the room and fighting together over a crown? I'm not really sure, but I was into it! I mean, Danica had a rather scandalous slit in her dress and feathers nearly on her pupils. If that doesn't win you over, what will? OK, maybe the smoke on the floor was a little much, but Val's little solo was the only thing I noticed for the first half of this dance anyway. And then once it was over, I couldn't keep my eyes off Amy who looked like Maleficent watching them from above, didn't she? Cheer up, girl. Your turn's coming!
Overall, I thought Danica could've been more fierce, and the running back to the podium at the end of the routine was a bit awkward. Other than that, I was a perfectly happy viewer.
Abby thought the concept was amazing and gave us her first inappropriate comment of the night: "I love to see a man down on his knees." And yes, her prepubescent students were sitting in the audience listening, but we'll just breeze right past that one for the sake of all things good in the world. Long story short, Abby loved The Wonder Years and didn't really have anything important to say. Bruno that it was Danica's most powerful powerful performance, and it left Carrie Ann feeling like a proud mom. Len thought it took a while to get started, but he loved the result. And in an expression I've never heard before and will probably never hear again, he said, "You were on it like a bonnet." Sure, why not?
And now, another Erin gem! Saying the crown wouldn't even fit on her weave? Damn you, Erin. I was trying so hard not to fall in love with you, but now I just want to watch football with you and go shopping for rompers -- in that order.
Meryl Davis and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: 36/40 Now for rumba time with my favorite couple! This week was all about being sensual and vulnerable. Maks and Meryl were telling the story of a dysfunctional relationship (unlike theirs!) which included a slap, him throwing her around, and this magnificent moment: "Just because a teddy bear is large doesn't mean he's scary." I now want a coffee table book of life advice from Meryl Davis. And let's not forget this ridiculous, adorable, amazing interaction from rehearsal:
Maks: You can't pet me.
Meryl: Yes I can.
Maks: Well you can but you shouldn't.
Meryl: I should.
Maks: OK, fine.
I honestly want a reality show with these two, where she lives her life brushing his insults off her shoulder, telling him like it is, and then they spend their nights dancing together in the moonlight. They're kind of like a modern day Beauty and the human version of Beast, right?! And I mean that with absolutely no insult to Maks -- have you seen Beast? He's hot.
The routine itself felt more contemporary than anything, but most importantly, it was captivating. There were dishes being broken, faces being slapped, and one Olympian using her legs to the fullest. And the crowd was dead silent during it, which showed just how compelling it was.
Bruno called it a tempestuous melodrama and compared it to a play without words -- specifically, A Streetcar Named Desire. (Suddenly, I'm dying to hear Maks' rendition of "Stella!!!") Carrie Ann loved the fluidity and chemistry between them. Also, props on the hip action! Although, both Carrie Ann and Len would've liked more actual rumba content, and freakin' Debbie Downer over there sitting next to Bruno made some uncomfortable comment about Meryl's feet, with which she was obviously trying to flirt with Maks, but he was NOT having it. He is Meryl's man, guys, and if you insult even so much as one toe on Meryl's foot, he hates you. As he told Erin, "I really don't care for anything she has to say."
And you know what I loved even more than Maks letting that inner beast out? Tom defending Merly too. If Tom calls you out on critiquing the wrong style, then you probably shouldn't feel too welcome, Abby. At this point, I was ready to bring back Redfoo. At least his hair was bigger. Also, Abby giving them an 8? Really? She was just trying to piss Maks off. Thankfully, Bruno evened it out with a 10.
Tom's best line of the night: "I smell some spray tan wrestling coming on."
NEXT: Abby Lee Maslow?