Image credit: ABC
STAIRWAY TO DISCO HEAVEN The standard purple steps were nowhere near "Strong Enough" to support Bill and Emma's appropriately absurd routine on their own.
Jack Osbourne and Cheryl Burke: 27/30 tango + 3 = 30 I apologize that my Judges' Leaderboard is such a mess this week. I don't know whether to list them according to total scores or solo scores. Those extra three points only mattered for a few minutes tonight, as far as I can tell. Who knows if they even mattered at all? It's hard out there for three measly, low-wattage extra points making their way through the thick, goopy atmosphere of spray tan molecules and sweat that pervades the Glitter Galaxy. But anyway: Jack, Corbin, and Leah all earned three extra points after winning their legs of the Dance Off, and long story short (too late for that): I'm including these phantom up-votes in the ranking.
Jack is HERE TO WIN as of this week. He's been present all along, but now he's smiling without prompts and has decided he loves to dance. "I thought this would be the cheesiest experience of my life," he admitted to Cheryl. Wait, it's not? I want my no money back!
Jack's tango to "The Beat Goes On" was perhaps his fiercest effort yet -- "You're a tango-dancing pimp!" raved Cher, and the pimp and the hooker are what the tango are all about. (Cheryl's quizzical look toward Bruno after this comment was delicious.) But what really sold me on Jack's staying power was his exuberance and energy in the pair's disco Dance Off against Bill and Emma. I think he would have kept spinning Cheryl around on his thighs (way, way less sexual than it sounds) for days if Tom hadn't rushed them off the floor.
Corbin Bleu and Karina Smirnoff: 27/30 + 3 = 30 Karina gets my own meaningless extra three points for Cher-iest costume, which covered the four essential Ls of sexy dancing -- legs, lace, leather, and lookatmyboobs. But my praise ends there. Their Argentine tango, set to "Welcome to Burlesque," was sloppy! I think we viewers saw many more messed-up steps in one corner than the judges did.
Props to the rehearsal footage editors for making it seem like Corbin Bleu is the busiest man in Hollywood. I'm convinced he got, like, just the one call, and it was either an iPhone alarm he'd set himself or a real call from his publicist, who said "Hello, I'm calling because you asked me to."
But a full slate of phone calls wasn't the only thing distracting Corbin from the choreography:
Ha, Karina's face!
Okay, okay. The movie he's producing is about teen bullying and Corbin would like you to fund it here. I caved. I'm no bully.
NEXT: How dare Amber ease up on the knee that put her in the hospital?