Order has been restored on Planet Mirrorballus as Bristol Palin and Mark Ballas were eliminated on week 4 of Dancing With the Stars: All-Stars. I find no need to dwell on her, much like Bristol found no need to deliver anything except a canned, clipped, two-second answer whenever she was asked to…oh, you know, participate in the show. I'm sorry it was such a drag for her all-around. Let's move on!
Kirstie Alley and Maksim Chmerkovskiy joined Bristol and Mark in the bottom two, so this was the first time all season the bottom-scoring couples have landed in the actual bottom two. And it was a BBCB night, too (Brooke Burke Char-VET Bangs)! What are the chances?!
It's easy to be glad Kirstie and Maks will stick around: They're trying hard, having a blast, and reminding me that I should really consider telling cake how I feel about it more often.
You can learn SO MUCH from Dancing With the Stars. I have no idea why everyone was so hell-bent on cutting it off so that those silly presidential candidates could fight each other on a less peaceful planet!
Next week we'll have two performance shows and zero results shows. I'm guessing we'll see four of the eight remaining couples dance each night, along with one of the two Team Freestyles. Man, this season is out of whack. Nudity/Contemporary on Week 4 and Freestyle on Week 5? What's next? An all-night pajama party quarantine on Week 6? (PLEASE.)
Anyway, as the top cumulative scorers, Shawn Johnson and Gilles Marini are the Team Freestyle captains. Team Gilles (including Kelly/Val, Kirstie/Maks, and Emmitt/Cheryl) get the honor of jamming out to "Gangnam Style," while Team Shawn (including Sabrina/Louis, Melissa/Tony, and Apolo/Karina) are stuck with the so-last-season "Call Me Maybe." Nobody wanted to pick Bristol and Mark. But that worked out perfectly, because she didn't want to do a stupid Team Freestyle anyway.
NEXT: The Top 7 ("seh-vehhhhhn!") moments of the results show