Snooki and Sasha Farber: 25/30 Snooki says NO MORE SIXES. They're almost as embarrassing as a straight-faced assertion that "after space, is heaven." She threatened to sue Sasha's ass if she got a neck injury while training for the foxtrot. But she should aim higher -- Sasha's real moneymaker is his smile. He's seriously so cute. #SPARKLEBARF.
"This meatball's on fire!" yelled Bruno as I'm sure Snooki disapproved, because I don't think she fashions herself a meatball anymore. First she was a self-proclaimed meatball. Then in the later Jersey Shore years she was, like, ziti I guess (after she'd discovered diet drugs and/or exercise). Then she became a mom. And now she's like…limp spaghetti, constantly bitching about needing more sauce? It still looks to me like she's just going through the motions -- but she did so rather well tonight. That one-handed cartwheel alone was worth an 8. Good for her. I'm suddenly really hungry.
Bill Engvall and Emma Slater: 24/30 What's better than this summer's Johnny Depp vehicle The Lone Ranger? Anything, really. My last indecipherable paragraph about Snooki as Italian food was better than that! But I'm proud to announce that there is now a TV version better than the film: Bill Engvall's paso doble -- a stunning Mexican dish -- on Dancing With the Stars!
Huge Lone Ranger fan Len -- who would've given Bill a 10 had he come out on his horse Silver -- said Bill was "leading those spins, not just standing there and letting her do all the work. All guns blazing!" Bruno thought it was like being in an opera house! It totally was! It's not like Bill Engvall is anywhere near the best dancer here, but his sheer glee at getting all the moves right without seeming that stiff was so fun to watch. And there's something to be said about a swelling orchestra accompanied by a flying cowboy hat.
Ha, Valerie Harper here. And everyone! Brant!
"I can't believe these words are coming out of my mouth," said Bill, "but I'm pushing myself so hard…'cause I want to win this." YES! I love the spirit.
Leah Remini and Tony Dovolani: 24/30 I barely remembered this, so I had to rewatch. Yikes. Sexy face is so awkward; no one should agree to deliberately try it on-camera. I was more excited by the song choice (Adele's "Skyfall," performed rather surprisingly by the Harold Wheeler Band instead of an iPod) than the rumba itself, but it was pretty good. I wouldn't call it three-8's good, though. I was mostly watching Tony. Dim lighting and a long black costume can really wash a girl out.
Carrie Ann and Len disagreed on Leah's arms -- Len thought they lacked fluidity, but Officer Inaba thought they were "creating passion." I thought both judges were blowin' smoke here. But I guess you gotta say something!
NEXT: A scared pimp and Grace Kelly (not in the same dance)