Dancing With the Stars recap: The Rule of Threesomes

A dance trio (ahem: threesome!) goes 'super tribal'; Len channels his inner cat
Ep. 14 | Aired Nov 12, 2012

SAMBA LIKE IT HOT Shawn contemplates the meaning of Derek and Mark's shirtlessness at the top of their trio.

ABC

Shawn Johnson and Derek Hough: 29.5/30 Viennese waltz + 26/30 super tribal trio = 55.5/60 Shawn continues to gradually boob it up this season! This pair opened the show with a fleeting Viennese waltz, featuring Derek attempting to deliver a master class in acting while crawling on the floor amidst minimal smoke. It really said "support the troops," loud and clear. I was in such shock about how short the dance was that I remember little save Shawn's lovely "music box ballerina" guided arabesque at the end. It was so beautiful, a Twitter user started crying.

Then it was trio time, which of course, if you're Derek, means Mark time. Mr. Ballas immediately sprang to life, shirtless and in fringed pants, ready to take on more manly duties in his local tribal community. Bless Shawn for putting up with the antics of these two as they "mastered" their own powerful crotch-thrusts in the mirror while barely advising her on how to accomplish the same despite the fact that she was (ugh?) a lady.

Despite Len's hyper-critical reaction about the dance barely resembling a samba, I enjoyed it for what it was, which was a So You Think You Can Dance jazz or contemporary routine -- or, I guess, any old Tuesday night barefoot bacchanal on a DWTS Tuesday. Take your pick! These numbers always appeal to me. Len's 7 (not delivered as a triumphant "seh-vehhhhhn!" as it was so shocking) was absurd considering he gave Emmitt a 10. It's crazy that Shawn's near the bottom this week (though she's second on the overall leaderboard).

I had no idea there was so much uneven-bars chalk in the jungle!

Kirstie Alley and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: 27/30 tango + 24/30 paso doble trio = 51/60 Kirstie has officially gone off the rails this week -- once live and at least once during rehearsal footage. For Bruno to liken her trio to "a psychedelic movie" was not too far off on any level. But at least during the minute-long Viennese waltz, Kirstie danced very well -- her best routine of the season according to Len. "Hallelujah" indeed for Maks' forest green-enhanced butt this week. No shade left behind!

It's time for an uncharacteristically passive-aggressive text from my mom, DANCMSTR Dee: "Personally I think Maks is better in a white t-shirt than he is bare-chested." Ooh. Discuss!

Kirstie and Maks' "Bring Me to Life" threesome with Tristan (heyyyyyy!) was a hot mess, but their rehearsal banter and the show-night swordplay and tender hug between the two men made it 10-worthy in its own right. It was just a bit of "foon," really. I liked Kirstie's explanation of her trio choice: "You two are similar height, and you're both hot. F--- the dancing" -- but this comment was soon overshadowed by Tristan's astute observation that the giant fluffy wings they were sporting made him and Maks look like "big Cupid babies." Oh Tristan. Never leave again. Can you just stay and talk to us a few more minutes? About anything?

YES HE CAN! Below is a guided tour of the DWTS rehearsal studios by none other than everyone's favorite big Cupid baby himself. Press play for an extra dose of brogue-y goodness this week. You deserve it.

I hope you particularly enjoyed my hard-hitting journalistic inquiry: "Can dancers HAVE Pepsi?"

Ahhhhhh, he's a sight for sore eyes. Time to "moonch on some crisps" and watch it again!

Nominate your hidden gems of the week by 2 p.m. over at PopWatch. Which two go home tonight?

XOXO,
Fringe Fairy

Read more:
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Election Night 2012: Your Hidden Gems!
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Annie Barrett's 'DWTS' Facebook page

Video reply time! Ask Annie anything about 'DWTS' -- or whatever -- below.

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