Dancing With the Stars recap: The Rule of Threesomes

A dance trio (ahem: threesome!) goes 'super tribal'; Len channels his inner cat
Ep. 14 | Aired Nov 12, 2012

SAMBA LIKE IT HOT Shawn contemplates the meaning of Derek and Mark's shirtlessness at the top of their trio.

ABC

Emmitt Smith and Cheryl Burke: 28/30 Viennese waltz + 30/30 salsa trio = 58/60 It's hard to remember much about Emmitt's Viennese waltz -- these Veterans Day tribute routines were a mere minute long -- but the gist of it was that the judges weren't overly critical (have they ever been, with Emmitt? ever?) The love letter on the floor was a nice non-hidden gem. I couldn't get a good read, but I bet it said "You're so smooth" in seven different languages.

Emmitt delivered a classy speech that somehow combined 1) DWTS is a wonderful family show, and 2) We wouldn't be here without the troops who protect our borders every day. He did that in one sentence. Give this man an Olympic medal. Everyone else has one! I probably rewound the moment at which two of the front-row soldiers' mouths dropped open into a "Wow" at least five times. But my heart REALLY skipped a beat when I realized Daryl "Moose" Johnston (spelled incorrectly on-screen) was attempting to exude the essence of a mirrorball with that checked jacket.

Could he BE any more obvious? (Also: that wall!)

I love Emmitt, Cheryl, and Kym (oh my!) and their color-coordinated costumes for the salsa trio (inverted rosettes! butt ruffles! wacky hues!) delighted me to no end. But I was shocked when this dance earned Emmitt and Cheryl their first perfect 30 of the season. It didn't seem like he'd done enough to warrant that! Then again, I did watch this dance back two more times  -- mostly because I had trouble deciding whether to focus on Cheryl or Kym -- and may not be giving The Guy in the equation enough credit. I'm sure handling two yo-yos, or women, at once is much more difficult than he made it look. Maybe.

Kelly Monaco and Valentin Chmerkovskiy: 28/30 Viennese waltz + 28.5/30 jive trio = 56.5/60 "Can I f---ing get a smile, babe?" Exactly! Val had read my mind -- and he continued to do so throughout the night by keeping his shirt off in the skybox for the remainder of the night. Len called Kelly's opener -- the Viennese waltz -- "a little bit sharp," which appeared to make her a little bit teary-eyed. Here's where Len threw down the "I have standards; she has none" gauntlet.

But another takeaway from this segment was Val's commentary post-dance, to Brooke: "There are lots of more important things than how I do on Dancing With the Stars." Shhhhhh. VAL! No one is supposed to know! How dare you.

"Think those two are doin' it?" one good soldier asked another. "Yeah!"

Yes on Suspenders / No on Shirts is the way I would like to have voted last Tuesday, but since it's too late I'll just do a write-in here. Val and Louis Van Intensité (né Van Amstel) were happy to oblige in a jive trio that was a close second to Apolo's in my eyes. Kelly was quite fearless out in front of the two guys in that footwork sequence at the end, and she kept the momentum going by leaping onto the judges' table head-first to get all up in Len's grill. "What a swinger!" cried Bruno. "You can take one, the other, both at the same time -- and you're always on top!" Do you think he wanted that to sound sexual? I still don't know!

NEXT: Tristan MacManus brings a big Cupid baby to life

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