Dancing With the Stars recap: The Rule of Threesomes

A dance trio (ahem: threesome!) goes 'super tribal'; Len channels his inner cat
Ep. 14 | Aired Nov 12, 2012

SAMBA LIKE IT HOT Shawn contemplates the meaning of Derek and Mark's shirtlessness at the top of their trio.

ABC

It's Week 8, and Len's getting feisty. DANCMSTR wants to pick a fight! First he shot down Carrie Ann with a mean (but true?) diss: "I have standards; she has none." To be fair, Carrie Ann had just brutally cut off Len's critique (of Kelly and Val's Viennese waltz). I'm not quite sure what happened with the timing there -- the secret still hovers high above Planet Mirrorballus in Carrie Ann's ridiculous ponytail -- but the cut-off made everything awkward.

And then! Derek Hough and Mark Ballas -- typically the ballroom's golden boys -- were suddenly labeled as "very self-indulgent" by Len following their "super-tribal" samba/ode to The Lion King with Simba Shawn Johnson. "If you go home tomorrow, don't blame me -- blame these two," Len warned Shawn. Even Tom thought that was way harsh. I'm sure Len was having just one of dem days that a girl goes through, but can he lighten up? He's supposed to sparkle.

Here's the total JUDGES' LEADERBOARD heading into tonight's dreaded ***double elimination*** (scores are out of possible 100):

Melissa and Tony: 99
Shawn and Derek: 93.5
Kelly and Val tied with Emmitt and Cheryl: 92.5
Gilles and Peta: 92
Apolo and Karina: 91.5
Kirstie and Maks: 79

Will the judges please reveal the Week 8 scores? Carrie Ann Inahhhhh-ber!

Melissa Rycroft and Tony Dovolani: 30/30 quickstep + 30/30 trio paso double = 60 out of possible 60 Tony and Melissa (let's be honest, he's the draw here, as evidenced by his slightly-more-gleaming-white teeth) continued to serve the nation as the ballroom's quintessential All-American couple. Melissa's kicks and other various leg extensions are unreal, but that's not even the main draw. They're just both so sweet and having such a blast -- throw in some sequined sailor suits and cute salutes and is there any chance even the Scroogiest voters wouldn't be compelled to throw a few their way?

"It was quick. There was lots of step," summed up Len following their "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy" (apparently Army = Navy; what's the diff?) quickstep. It's been 15 seasons and the DANCMSTR has finally run out of things to say. But wait! [Long pause.] "You were the bee's knees." Nope, still tapped out.

I'm still not buying Melissa Rycroft as a dominatrix but I don't know if any dance, no matter how perfect, could fix that glitch. It's just not who she is -- and she's no actress. When she yelled "Ha. Ha. HAH!" I simply wasn't convinced that she'd theoretically just killed or was about to kill a bull, not to mention one/both of her lovers. That said, their paso double trio featuring Troupe member Henry Byalikov (helloooooo Henry!) showcased Melissa as a dancer on par with the pros, like "a frisbee being passed from one to the other," said Len, effectively proving my point as nothing says "not a real dominatrix" more than "a frisbee." He did name Melissa as the celeb he's most impressed with this season. Tony almost fell over due to self-imposed theatricality. I love it when he gets overwhelmed.

NEXT: If it's not cupcakes and ice cream, is it even something I want to watch?

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