Monday's performance show was just one measly hour, but it shall go down in Planet Mirrorballus history because it marked the first time a judge non-deliberately escaped the confines of his or her chair in an effort to vaguely and/or nonsensically compliment a sexy dancer. I feel like Dancing With the Stars has been building up to this moment all along. We're all climaxing together!
Here's Carrie Ann Inaba getting struck by a tidal wave of sexual energy thanks to Gilles Marini and Peta Murgatroyd's rumba -- in all its pixelated glory, fresh from my TV to my iPhone to my Photoshop to your computer:
LET THE BABY-MAKING BEGIN!” Carrie Ann screamed; then toppled over while saying “That was ridiculous.” OH WAS IT? Not to be outdone, Bruno Tonioli promptly splayed himself face-up on the judges’ table in his usual “Take me. Love me! Devour me.” position.
It was bound to happen! I’m just surprised The Fall took 15 seasons to finally run its course. (And a little bit shocked it wasn’t Bruno instead. Or Paula, last week.)
Will the judges please reveal their scores? Where the hell is Carrie Ann Inahhhhh-ber?
Gilles Marini and Peta Murgatroyd and Her Hips: 29.5 out of possible 30 You couldn't really blame Carrie Ann for getting swept up in the spirit of the dance after Gilles encouraged Peta to choreograph a rumba that would get viewers so hot and bothered that the couple would be "responsible for a lot of babies." I started picturing Gilles and Peta roaming the earth to personally bedazzle the noses of all the new lives they'd helped create, when suddenly Peta snapped me out of that trance by sauntering down the red carpet wearing basically two flaps of champagne (one for boobs, one for butt). That's the best way I can describe her sparkly, barely there costume, which alarmingly kept my eyes off of Gilles for at least the first half of their "I Will Always Love You" rumba.
Here are the things I loved about this dance, in descending order: 3) Peta's bangs; whaaaaa? 2) her slowwww dip back while Gilles had her legs in a perfect vertical split; 1) that amazing launch into the full-body spin (toes on the floor; no lift!) as the music finally kicked in. Bruno called this rumba one of the best performances he'd ever seen, Len commented on how they'd turned October into "Hot-tober" (which was maybe even worse than Carrie Ann's fall), and Tom had a quick quip for Carrie Ann's "floored" reaction: "When you said let the baby-making begin, I didn't think you'd get into position." Even better: A sassy missive from on high atop ye olde Brookebot Mountain: "Carrie Ann, we're laughing with you, honey." Whoa!
Sorry, can't resist: Here was Carrie Ann while Tom joked -- from the balcony, way beyond her range of hearing -- that she'd had airbags installed in her chair.
NEXT: The giant toucan has all the answers