Kelly Monaco and Valentin Chmerkovskiy: 25.5/30 "Surfer Flamenco" + 28.5/30 rumba to "I Can't Stop Loving You" = 54/60 I will just go ahead and say it: I don't think it's fair that Val officially became the DWTS pro with the least amount of clothes on, EVER, and they couldn't even get one 10 for that pool party flamingo or whatever it was that they did. Come on, nobody cares whether Kelly Monaco can do the flamenco. We don't even know what that is! We can barely if ever tell the difference between the paso and the tango. We're otherwise smart, we swear.
Carrie Ann was all "It was all paso; we wanted to see the flamenco," and I was like, correction: Nobody wanted to see the flamenco, and we all wanted to see Val's hidden gems. If you're gonna assign ridiculata, you gotta reward it when it flies back in your face (closer, Val, closer) more absurd than you could have imagined. It saddens me that the only '10' Kelly earned tonight was the gilded one on the post-coital towel she got to wear as a skirt. No skirt for you, Val. No hiding behind Kelly, either.
"If this dance was poker, your chips would be all in," said Len, offering up a triple-fusion hypothetical that made me want to burrow into the sand and die (so that I could be reborn as a sand mite with a front row seat to Val's next beach blanket bling-o).
I was half kidding about that lube-fest deserving a 10, but Kelly and Val's second dance, a rumba set inside a lovely, dimly lit peephole into the Glitter Galaxy, really did deserve top scores. This pair is playing up their showmance to the extreme during confessionals and rehearsal footage (they really can't stop loving each other!…IN BED), but their chemistry on the floor come show night cannot be denied. It's exciting when that happens with any couple, and this rumba was a magical DWTS moment, full of "light and shade" (Len's favorite) and the constant glimmer of Kelly's mirrorball heels in the low lighting.
Still, this is all a joke, right? Kelly Monaco's existence? Does she just weigh NOTHING? Is she a hologram? (Too soon?) How does Val carry her up three sets of stairs and not collapse? Is it really cold in here? So many questions!
Emmitt Smith and Cheryl Burke: 27/30 "Espionage Lindy Hop" + 27/30 tango to "Leave Me Alone" = 54/60 Wow, Cheryl's billowing black pants during the Espionage Lindy Hop (LOL) really threw off the Scandal Scale for me this week. When they ripped off their jackets and she was wearing just a black bra and suspenders, I was momentarily startled: "Oh, my -- she's practically naked on top!" Which is ridiculous, because they all are, all of the time. I'm glad Cherriet the Spy was thwarted in her attempt to blow up the mirrorball -- but now that I know from Tom that the All-Stars trophy also makes coffee, I wonder if I should commission her to deliver it to me. I could only pay her in hidden gems, though, so it would never work. I'd be like "Cheryl, check out my desktop" and she'd see 1067 screengrabs from throughout the season, most of which are of Bruno flailing since that's just the most common shot. Then she'd mirror-bomb me for good and it would all be over. But seriously, what a way to go.
Len acknowledged that Emmitt might have gotten the short shrift this week with two dances that call for sharp movements -- when Emmitt's specialty is anything that goes down smooth and easy, like a CGI dinosaur. The regular tango challenged him to stay locked in a freedomless hold, while Melissa and Shawn got to flash it up with tricks and lifts all over the place by comparison. Still, Emmitt's tango earned straight 9s and a classic passive-aggressive "We have to judge on technique, but I think everyone enjoyed it" comment from Carrie Ann. What bothered me during this dance were Cheryl's plain brown heels -- they were a bit too sensible-businesswoman for me especially when paired with a tango gown with a sassy-sparkly "tramp stamp" sewn into the butt region. Melissa had one of those, too, this week. Intriguing/terrifying/compelling! I can't choose just one.
Press play for an extra dose of brogue-y goodness this week. You deserve it.
Time for my injections! Nominate your hidden gems before 2 p.m. over on PopWatch.
Which two Sparkaliens do you think will go home tonight?
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