Dancing With the Stars season finale recap: May the Sparkliest Teeth Win

One of three deserving 'All-Stars' couples earns the chance to lug around a bigger 'n' better hardened knob of glitter than ever
Ep. 19 | Aired Nov 27, 2012

HEAVY STUFF Tony's shirt threatens to burst open as he and Maks endure the weight of the situation together.

ABC

Those other classy broads Kenny Mayne and Jerry Rice came back -- as gemtastic as ever -- to triumphantly keep that flaming Dance Center torch burning. They think Kelly and Val are doin' it, too, for the record.

It's always hard to pick favorite lines from D.C. segments -- and honestly, this time you could just cut together all the zoom-ins on Len Goodman throwing shade the guys' way and that'd be a perfect highlight reel for me. But I loved that they called out Mark Ballas for showcasing himself instead of his partners (never gets old), said Apolo had "an upper body that would invite drug testing in most sports," labeled Shawn "a weird hybrid of a Batman villain and Chip 'n' Dale," and insisted that Helio had been dancing with Julianne Hough this whole time. This line slayed me: "Call it what you want -- Chelsie Hightower, restless leg syndrome, sleep apnea -- there's just something different about 'em."

Everyone returned -- including Julianne herself, in the audience! All of the contestants except new front-row BFFs Pam Anderson and Bristol Palin danced a whopping three times during the SUPER-SIZED finale, with Joey and Kym gamely filling in for Kelly and Val on the utter insanity of Team "Gangnam Style" (did Joey really flip himself over Kym's arm or was I having a terrifying but good-for-the-soul nightmare?) and Helio/Chelsie and Drew/Anna subbing for Shawn/Derek and Melissa/Tony on Team "Call Me Maybe." The partnerships ware all so talented this season, I had trouble picturing the dances being any better the first time around. That Team Gangnam mess has grown on me, though. I've watched that thing on the internet. Like, recently. In my FREE TIME. Maybe I do need a ballroom break.

Tom delivered the best line of the night (surprise, surprise) after Pam -- presumably in practice for her rumored Broadway run as Chicago's Roxie Hart -- offered Tristan and the Troupe Guys a nationally televised lap dance. (To be fair, we could barely make out her boobs/fringed bodysuit behind Pam's many corridors of problematic hair.) "Wow -- usually, to see something like that, there's a two-drink minimum," quipped Tom. That's Our Emmy Winner! Brooke's mildly disapproving but secretly totally amused glance was perfect here, too. Our Hosts!

The boy banders opted to perform all-new routines featuring children (the biggest fans of boy bands) for the finale. Drew Lachey just broke the sparkleheart of every little girl who's had or will have a dad compete on Dancing With the Stars by trotting out his adorable daughter for a one-time-only delicate little cha cha sequence with Anna Tre-BUN-skaya. Seriously, will anything ever be able to top this cuteness (besides the fact that Isabella Lachey thinks only "a thousand people" watch this show)?

Also: Is it weird that I cried? IT'S FINE.

NEXT: I wonder if the child version of Kym Johnson will trade lives with me

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