Dancing With the Stars season finale recap: May the Sparkliest Teeth Win

One of three deserving 'All-Stars' couples earns the chance to lug around a bigger 'n' better hardened knob of glitter than ever
Ep. 19 | Aired Nov 27, 2012

HEAVY STUFF Tony's shirt threatens to burst open as he and Maks endure the weight of the situation together.

ABC

Anyway, 'twas second place for Shawn, who is all-around familiar with the agony of a silver medal -- or, in this ballroom-specific case: nothing. Shawn's consolation prize was tons of archived footage of her increasingly amplified cleavage and, just tonight, some teary-eyed footage of Derek calling Shawn "a little spark in my life." I wonder if this loss will inspire him to stick around for future seasons -- a fourth win would have made his rumored exit from DWTS almost as poetic as tonight's sob session. Many viewers seem to have a love/hate relationship with Derek, but I firmly believe the show would be much worse off without his creativity (with regard to both his choreography and his own often absurd hairstyles).

The finalists all winged it (wung it? wang? wang seems most appropriate for this show) on an instant dance chosen at random out of one of my favorite cheap-ass props, the Mirrorbowl with the red velvet cake center! I'd argue that Melissa and Tony's samba was the worst of the three, but I also feel like if you have to dance anything to "Life Is a Highway," you get a free pass. Just pass Go, collect $200 worth of gems from the heap in the corner, and try to move on with your life. Kelly and Val's instant jive showcased "the energy of two young rrrrrrandy rabbits!" (Bruno, duh) and was pretty incredible considering 1) they pulled it off in less than an hour and 2) Val lost seven sloshing buckets of sweat in the process. Ooh, maybe those could be the gems in the corner. Ew, no.

Shawn and Derek wowed the crowd the most with their instant cha cha, which featured at least two key moments during which Shawn's face was embedded in Derek's crotch in a life-or-death situation. That's usually the precise recipe for a perfect 30 right there. The routine was fabulous, but Carrie Ann's "You started out the season as a star" ("OH YEAH, WELL SHE'S THE ONLY ONE LOL" --retorted every idiot who claims to hate Dancing With the Stars but reads about it on the internet anyway) and Bruno's "One thing's for sure: You're going out with a bang!" both seemed to foreshadow Shawn's loss to Melissa.

Meanwhile, third-place blatant sex addicts Kelly and Val continued to deflect questions of their silly/serious showmance, with Kelly babbling something about how "unconditional love doesn't mean boyfriend-girlfriend" to the [babbling upgraded to] gushing Brooke. Okay, well….does it mean something more than that, then? Nevermind. Over it. Sorry to simplify things, though. They actually had a really classy exit.

NEXT: Kenny Mayne's bedazzled chest and blissful oblivion bring you Dance Center!

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