Dancing With the Stars recap: What a Mess!

The wrong couple floats away on Week 2; next week's double elimination is announced
Ep. 04 | Aired Oct 2, 2012

BANANAS Lacey and Benji Schwimmer revive Helio and Julianne's 'Hey Pachuco,' with extra tongue.

ABC

Ugh, wrong outcome. Somehow All-Star Joey Fatone and his still-blubbering superstar Kym Johnson had to head home on Week 2. The great thing is that Joey doesn't care! He's got a wedding to hit up pretty soon, and this way he can eat and drink everything flung at him. Which he would have done anyway, but now there'll be no "Why does your face look like that?" (i.e. puffy) consequences. "People said I was fun," Joey said in explanation of why it didn't matter whether he won or lost. "I don't care what your votes say," he told the judges -- "but I appreciate it."

Poor Kym truly was sad, so that was pretty incongruous and almost made me cry for her. I liked how Joey eventually recognized this and refused to separate himself from her in the big puddle of sequins 'n' chains that had built up in the middle of the floor after they said goodbye. Very sweet. And everyone wanted a piece of Joey -- there were so many errant hands just flailing around on the off-chance that one might whisk his Charlie Chaplin hat!

Next week we'll have a double elimination. "It's definitely not double the pleasure, double the fun," quipped Derek in No Doubt the Worst Quip of the Night. (He and Mark both eagerly acknowledged its failure.) Clearly the judges' scores don't matter in the slightest, so vote, vote, vote!

Helio Castroneves and Chelsie Hightower, who joined Joey and Kym in the bottom two, looked genuinely fearful that their time would be cut short. It's too bad Bristol Palin will have to muster up the strength to put in her contacts (if we're lucky!) and show up again next Monday. "I'm so excited to get tonight over with," she confessed to a careful-not-to-react Kirstie Alley before Monday night's "redneck quickstep." But that wasn't even the best Bristol-related subtitle of the night….

Here's Bruno during Bristol's aforementioned sparkle denim romp. When there's not even a "hot" attached to the mess, or any sort of temperature indicator, you know you're in trouble. Or…not, thanks to voters.

The DANCMSTR appointed Sabrina Bryan and Louis Van Amstel to dance an encore of their "Black Betty" quickstep. She's really grown on me even more these past two nights. I'd even go so far as to say Sabrina is the best head-thrower-backer-in-glee (while in hold) we've ever seen on Dancing With the Stars. But the best part of their slightly tweaked dance was Emmitt Smith's laissez-faire expression in the Red Room:

Sure, you can dance if you want to, thought the Man Without Hat.

Hark! 'Twas an angel from ballroom heaven, back on the planet to grace us with song. Season 14 runner-up Katherine Jenkins and the most prolific tenor in music, Plácido Domingo, teamed up on "Come What May," which would have been beautiful on its own (there was enough choreography in the way they just kept smiling sweetly at each other in profound reverence; seriously I was fascinated) but became even more stunning with a ballroom assist from Anna and Val! As much as I go on and on and on and on about the terrifically flamboyant costumes we see on performance nights week to week (especially this week), sometimes a simple solid "midnight teal" frock is the way to go when you're not concerned with desperately selling yourselves to the audience. These two were just twirling in space, weren't they? I liked their various romantic tangles that ended in simple hugs. Very Disney.

Then there was Cher Lloyd. I've actually been pretty into her ubiquitous single, "Want U Back" -- it's harmless and catchy in a "Call Me Maybe" type of way -- but I must say I'm ultimately disappointed in the visual effect of Cher Lloyd. It's not just that she can't dance. It's that every punctuation of that "Unh!" grunt is accompanied by a kicky stink face suggested she's just passed gas.

And not even the good kind of outer space gas that must float around Planet Mirrorballus in the Glitter Galaxy all the time. Bad gas. Nope, not into this. I'm guessing this is when most viewers hit mute, changed the channel, or fell asleep.

NEXT: The Top 7 ("seh-vehhhhhn!") moments of the results show

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